Carb Queen

"You must be getting close."

2011-07-02T19:00:00.002-04:00

Music to my ears! That's what Frank said when I weighed in this morning. I've lost 52 pounds but I still have 30+ to go. No, I'm not getting close but I'm making good progress.

I didn't realize I hadn't posted since January. I had an eventful winter and spring. We sent our two dogs to Dog Heaven. My father died. We adopted a sweet but fearful dog. And I continued to suffer nausea and stomach pain courtesy of the antibiotics I've been taking for chronic Lyme disease.

It still doesn't feel like I earned my weight loss. But I'm starting to think maybe I'm actually eating better. I started an injected antibiotic a couple of weeks ago, partly to give my stomach a rest and partly to switch things up. I've continued to lose weight.

Still, I'm currently on a screwy diet in an attempt to see if food sensitivities may be causing some of my fatigue. I don't feel any less tired. But I've been limited in what I can eat so I'm not yet confident that I'll continue to lose weight after these external forces are no longer there.

But, hey, I've lost over 50 pounds!

"Deathly Ill Becomes You"

2011-01-29T16:33:00.003-05:00

That's what my leader said when I weighed in this morning. Before I got on the scale I told her I'd been deathly ill all week. I lost 4.4 pounds this week for a total loss of 36 pounds. It's the least I've weighed since I joined Weight Watchers. I'm also no longer obese, and haven't been for three weeks.

I was sick all week with a really nasty cold. Even though I barely moved for two days, I also ate very little for most of the week. That, and I'm still taking the higher-dosage thyroid medication.

So, instead of crediting my weight loss to strict adherence to the new Weight Watchers eating plan, I have to give the nod to my thyroid meds, the nausea-inducing antibiotics, and an appetite-sapping rhinovirus.

I'm not complaining, mind you, but I am concerned that I won't be able to keep the weight off if I have to reduce my thyroid meds as my weight declines, or when I finish the wretched antibiotics and recover from all the bugs circulating. My leader is awesome and she understood my reluctance to celebrate while also congratulating me.

My concern is one reason I'm contemplating going back to the Simply Filling Technique (although the last time I was on it, it was called "Core"; what is it with Weight Watchers and all these jaw-breaking names?). If I can learn what it's like to eat until I'm satisfied while I'm losing weight for other reasons, maybe I'll be able to continue eating that way later.

Back to the Future

2011-01-02T18:16:00.002-05:00

At my last weigh in, I lost another 1.5 pounds for a total of 25.4 pounds lost. I'm back to having lost over 25 pounds and being below the 10% mark. Unfortunately, I haven't been following the new PointsPlus™ plan to lose this weight.

The glass-is-half-full perspective is that 1) my metabolism is finally getting what it needs to function properly with the latest increase in my thyroid meds and 2) I might again be eating to satisfaction instead of for sport.

The glass-is-half-empty perspective is probably more accurate: I'm taking three antibiotics for Lyme disease and the third one (Flagyl) upsets my stomach, making eating fairly unpleasant. I don't mind losing weight but I'd really rather learn to control my eating. PointsPlus™ is a good plan and I'd really rather follow it. Instead, I'm eating what I can when I can.

On a completely different note, I've been thinking about how PointsPlus™ puts emphasis on protein, which is tough for a Carb Queen. But I'm okay with that because I know I need more protein and should eat fewer starchy carbs. So, even with my tummy troubles, I'm working on feeling satisfied with higher-protein foods.

It's a Mouthful

2010-12-22T06:48:00.007-05:00

I like the new Weight Watchers program. I really do.

I've lost weight on it and I've given up trying to understand why so many people of different ages and sizes now have 29 PointsPlus™ when we all had varying POINTS®. I'm adjusting to the differences in PointsPlus™ values and finding it easier (so far) to keep tracking.

It's the new name that's bugging me. Before PointsPlus™ was introduced in the United States, I read about it on the Weight Watchers United Kingdom website. In the UK, PointsPlus™ is called ProPoints®. Silly me, I thought the US would use the same name.

During last week's meeting, I watched the leader struggle to remember to say "PointsPlus™" instead of "Points" (Not "POINTS®," of course, because that's the old program).

"PointsPlus™" just does not roll off the tongue except as the name of the program, as in "The PointsPlus™ Program."

No one except the meeting leader call the new Points PointsPlus™. On the other hand, I can easily imagine everyone in a UK meeting calling the new Points ProPoints®. It's just easier to say.

I get that different countries need different names for the program. But, what were they thinking? I'm sure they spent significant time and money on the new name . . . and it never occurred to them that it was a mouthful?

I predict that with the inevitable tweaking (and, therefore, new marketing) of PointsPlus™ will come a new name, just as the Flex plan became Momentum (sorry, I didn't track down the marks). I'd be happy to join the brainstorming for a term North Americans will actually use.

To get the brainstorming started, how about PowerPoints™? Or TruePoints™? Or why not drop the use of Points completely and come up with something like DietDegrees™ ? (The rights to these marks are available for a small fee .)

Oh, one more thing, just to stay on the right side of US trademark law: PointsPlus™ & POINTS® are trademarks of Weight Watchers International. ProPoints® is also a trademark of Weight Watchers International, but I didn't find it registered in the US. PowerPoints™, TruePoints™, & DietDegrees™ are my trademarks but I haven't done a full search on them nor have I applied for trademark registration.

10K!

2010-10-09T16:05:00.003-04:00

10K what? Certainly not 10K pounds. Not even 10K ounces (625 pounds).

Nope. I walked a 10K last weekend, the Dempsey Challenge. That's 10,000 meters (or metres) -- 6.2 miles.

It's been a week and I'm still having a hard time believing I did it. Of course, I bragged at my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. And my leader, Carrie, let me talk about it a bit. I was able to tell the group that I walked the 10K despite chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia and assorted other chronic illnesses (Lyme disease for one). It felt so good to be able to tell people I'd walked a 10K despite my physical challenges.

And Carrie, who I like more with each meeting, asked if training for the 10K and walking it helped with my chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. The honest answer is no. I was extremely fatigued for two days after the 10K. I ached all over for three days (that's the fibromyalgia). But mentally, I feel great after I've walked.

Today I walked 4.5 miles and while I'm tired, I think I'm not fatigued (I often don't feel the fatigue until a day later). Fingers crossed, but I think I might be slowly (very slowly) reducing my fatigue.

My weight is up from my last post, but it's coming down. I actually gained .2 pounds this past week, probably because I walked only once after the 10K. I've been down this road before, however, and I know that I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other as often as I can. I have no timetable.

Every time I've begun walking again after one physical challenge or another, I've used "walking music" to help me get going. I've been doing this since the days of Jane Fonda's cassette tapes. It wasn't too long before I found Sports Music, which sold tapes (and now CDs; how come no MP3s?); it now has a variety of names but you'll find it as Workout Music Video.

There are now many sites that offer workout music. If you look around, you can find some free MP3s, although they're typically offered as a sample of what they want you to pay for. A site that has given me a giggle while I walk is Marina's High-nrg Fitness. Marina sings on her MP3s and offers encouragement that always makes me smile.

Walk on!

Breathing Easier

2010-08-28T11:43:00.005-04:00

I've lost 3.4 pounds since I last wrote, for a total of 18.8 pounds lost. I enter my weight into eTools and I realized today that I'm once again approaching the 10% mark. I last passed that milestone in August 2008 and it had taken me 10 months to get there. Aargh! It's now two years later and I'm still struggling to hit that 10% milestone.

Commence to intone the mantra. Recall that my shorts felt looser when I put them on this morning. Then celebrate the fact that I'm still committed to attending meetings and finding my way through this weight-loss maze.

On a different-yet-related note, I was officially diagnosed with asthma this week (officially in my mind; it's probably somewhere in my electronic medical chart). If one can't breathe well, one can get enough rest and is always tired from lack of oxygen and lack of rest. I started a twice-daily steroid inhaler and discovered that same evening how poorly I'd been sleeping. Decent sleep in adequate amounts is important for many reasons, including weight loss.

I suffered a buttercream frosting melt-down (so to speak) last weekend. I'm usually pretty disciplined about indulging in baked goods and their accessories when I'm baking but just completely lost it last weekend. So why did I lose weight this week (besides breathing easier)? I think I actually followed through on a WW precept: when you fall off the wagon, get right back on. I did that and tried to cut back here and there throughout the rest of the week.

I know better than to forecast that I've got my eating under control once again. Instead, I'm just going to continue eating less, try to exercise more, and work toward actually tracking every day (that last should make you burst out laughing).

Keepin' On Keepin' On

2010-07-31T18:12:00.004-04:00

My stats for today's weigh-in are a loss of 0.4 pounds for a total loss of 15.6 pounds. Yes, I've lost ground (so to speak) since I last wrote. But . . . in the last two weeks I've lost 4.1 pounds (my weigh-in location now has a scale that measures in tenths of a pound and occasionally I get weighed on it).

Obviously, it has been a struggle.

What's different now? It's hard to say.

I've been seeing a hypnotist, but we haven't been dealing directly with my weight problem, so that's not it.

I've started to walk our dogs at night because it has become a struggle for Zaphod this summer. His MS has progressed to the point where an evening walk, especially during warm weather, is difficult. But I don't think getting more exercise is it either.

If anything, it's that I've persisted in attending Weight Watchers' meetings.

The meeting topics for the last few weeks have concerned finding ways to motivate oneself out of a plateau or, especially in my case, a lapse in following the program.

For the past two weeks I've been mostly on-plan. And as every weight-watcher (no initial caps on purpose) knows, following the program works: measure your portions, record what you eat, stay within your limits, get more exercise.

I was pleased, however, to learn that getting back on plan was like riding a bike. Measure here, record there, think first, respect one's limits, and so forth. Still, I would not have gotten back on the bike if I hadn't continued to attend meetings week after week, disappointing weigh-in after disappointing weigh-in.

I sincerely doubt that this is the last time I'll point out the benefits of meeting attendance regardless of what's happening on the scale. I also doubt that I'll stay on-plan for the indefinite future. But I am pleased that I've made the commitment to attend Weight Watchers meetings regardless of how I'm doing with weight loss.

On a slightly different note, I now have a new meeting leader. Many moons ago, I said that I went to Kaitlin's meetings for motivation and Karen's meetings for inspiration. Kaitlin has moved on to be replaced by Carrie. I was distraught at first because Kaitlin was fun, informative, and motivational. And, I'd learned that Karen's meetings never change; she was inspirational in the beginning but now she sounds like a broken record (oh dear, am I showing my age with that simile?). Carrie, however, has won me over with her humor and style. She is just as much fun, informative, and motivational as Kaitlin but with a different style. Whew!

I haven't gained it all back; I haven't gained it all back; I haven't . . .

2010-05-23T16:44:00.003-04:00

Since I last wrote in February I've gained about four pounds. Hence, the mantra, "I haven't gained it all back." And, in fact, my weight is down from where it was in April.

So what's preventing me from getting back on program? I could offer a variety of reasons: foot surgery in April that has kept me off my feet and will keep me from getting much exercise until late June, still fighting fatigue that hasn't let up as much as I'd hoped with the latest increase in thyroid medication, allergies that were worse this spring, and so forth. But those are as much excuses as they are reasons.

I still attend weekly weigh-ins and meetings. I still believe Weight Watchers is a valuable, realistic way to lose weight. I just can't make myself stick to it. I've been here before and despite having gotten back on program in the past, I have no idea how I'm going to get back on. Oh, okay, I have some idea: I'll select a weekend where I will commit to re-committing myself to the program. I'll plan, prepare, and force myself to faithfully track.

I just hope that it will be easier to stay on that horse because I've already learned to ride.

Not Working

2010-02-06T10:58:00.003-05:00

It's the dead of winter and I'm struggling. Intellectually I know what I need to do: track what I eat and move more. When did the intellect ever assist someone struggling with her weight?

This is an odd way to begin a post when the topic of this week's Weight Watchers meeting was positive self-talk!

Actually, I have been engaging in positive self-talk. I've been telling myself that despite having gained over 10 pounds since my WW low, I haven't given up. I still attend a Weight Watchers meeting every week and get weighed. I still attempt to track for as many days as I can. And I'm still trying to use my Points wisely.

The weeks and weeks of working 6 or 7 days & 50+ hours per week should be behind me. The note of doubt is because just as I was anticipating having true weekends, I had to fly out to Michigan to stay with my dad for three weeks. He took a bad fall and I went out there thinking I was going to have to arrange assisted-living accommodations for him. The good news is he's doing much, much better and can continue to live independently. The bad news, which is not really bad news relative to Dad's good news, is that I had to work the entire time I was there and I'm feeling just as tired and stressed as when I left town.

So now I have to start over once again. I worked long hours for so long that I'm having trouble letting go in the evening and on weekends. That's the first order of business. Once I'm comfortable not working, I can find interesting, non-food ways to enjoy my time not working.

That Didn't Last Long

2009-12-20T18:12:00.002-05:00

So I made it into the ranks of the overweight, managed to stay there for a couple of months, then bounced back into being obese. The worst of my weight gain has been in the past three weeks. Why?

The answer is easy: Duh-uh, I'm eating too much.

This is not news to me. It didn't require tracking, searching self-analysis, or clinical intervention. I know I'm eating too much and eating poorly. I also have absolutely no willpower or discipline right now. I've been working 50-60+ hours per week for so long (since April) and my schedule has been disrupted so frequently (especially since November 1 when I also started traveling) that I just don't care.

But I do see a light at the end of this long, long tunnel. I should be able to reduce my work hours some after the first week in January. I might even get some time off in February. I know I need much more than a week, or even two, to feel rested and refreshed. I also know that once my schedule starts to settle down the second week in January I'll be able to start taking steps back to the healthy, reasonable eating I was doing in September.

It took me a long time to get back to being simply overweight. I've risen to obesity so fast this time that I clearly remember how it felt to weigh less. I'm hoping that memory will drive me back to being overweight much faster this time around.

I Have Joined the Ranks of the Overweight!

2009-09-26T10:32:00.003-04:00

I never thought I'd be thrilled to be overweight, but I am today. I lost 3.2 pounds this week for a total loss of 31.6 pounds AND my BMI is now 29.9.

I am not obese!

When I started to come to grips with my expanding girth, the hardest thing to digest was my obesity. One of medical diagnoses is obesity, which was difficult to see on a doctor's chart. Obesity has never been part of my self-concept. Being overweight, yes; obese, no.

As I approached and achieved each goal on my way to this point, I started to think more often about not wanting to be obese any longer. After turning a new century, I thought becoming overweight would be not far behind. It was only three pounds away, after all.

As with all things weight-related for me, I have to learn the same lesson over and over again: Wishing won't make it so. Only consistently following my program, which now include Weight Watchers, will work and it's going to take way, way longer than I ever anticipate.

For today, though, I'm thrilled! And later, I'll be off to shop for non-stick cookie sheets; I've become hooked on roasted vegetables and my cookie sheets are not only not non-stick, they're disreputable. Out with the old and warped, in with the new and non-stick!

Another Sigh

2009-09-19T16:40:00.002-04:00

So I hit the new century and thought the Land of Overweight couldn't be far away. I'm still in ObeseVille.

I really thought I'd see my BMI go below obese this week. I tracked. I ate well. I went out for breakfast and didn't succumb to the lure of an omlette. And I gained weight. I'm now threatening to return to that old century. No! Not that!

My leader decided it was because I wore long pants today instead of the shorts I've worn all summer. I think of them as my weigh-in jeans. They're lighter than most jeans and I wear them almost exclusively on weigh-in day. I also wore socks for the first time in months. I gained 1.6 pounds.

Even if my clothing choices are the source of the gain, it still means I didn't lose. So now I'm trying to catch any sneaky Points that I haven't tracked. Kaitlin mentioned "bites, licks, and tastes" (BLTs - groan) today so I've been on the alert for those, too.

I'm not as disappointed as this may sound. I know that I'll get back on track. It's just that right now I'm not sure what getting back on track means! Wait. That sounds worse than I mean it. I know I'll get back on track, especially after a second weigh-in wearing my weigh-in jeans and another week of staying on plan; a weight gain then will tell me I need to look very, very closely at what I'm doing. There. That's better.

I found a terrific Weight Watchers recipe on their website that I'm cooking tonight. I just know even before making it that I'm going to love it. Check out Sweet Potato & Onion Salad. I have no idea why they call it a "salad" because it seems like a side dish to me.

Hurry Up and . . . Wait

2009-09-12T17:15:00.002-04:00

After I passed the century mark, I thought it would be easy to hit the overweight (not obese) mark. Wrong.

A variety of things -- Lyme disease primarily -- have gotten in the way, but I'm slowly making progress toward my next goal. My BMI is currently 30.1. To be overweight and not obese, it needs to go below 30. So close!

I love the Camelbak Insulated bottle I got to reward myself for passing the century mark. I keep changing my mind about how I'll reward myself for becoming overweight, so I suppose it's OK (not) that I haven't gotten there yet.

It's a New Century!

2009-08-08T11:27:00.003-04:00

I joined Weight Watchers in October, 2007. I have not missed a single weekly weigh-in or meeting. And now, at last, after 22 months of "Stop Dieting. Start Living" I have seen the scale go below 200!

The significance of confessing that I once weighed over 200 pounds should not be underestimated. I have never shared my weight with anyone but my doctor and Weight Watchers.

Wait, that's not true. I do recall that back in the mists of time I actually had a wall chart for tracking my weight the summer after my freshman year in college. I lost 20 pounds that summer and discovered, for the first time, the pleasure of not being self-conscious about my weight. That was the last time I was at all forthcoming about how much I weighed.

One can't attend a meeting every week for 22 months and not be affected. I have actually given up my habit of weighing myself every morning upon arising. I'm content to see what the scale says when I weigh-in before the meeting. And, as evidenced by this entry, I'm slowly becoming less self-conscious about the number itself.

Staying true to the dictum not to celebrate weight loss by eating, I'm going to treat myself to a Camelbak insulated water bottle. As the magic number neared, I thought about how to celebrate it and settled on the water bottle. And now I'm off to order one . . .

Freshman 15 Must Now Be Freshman 25

2009-06-22T12:53:00.003-04:00

OK, so my total weight loss is currently at 23.4 pounds. I haven't written for over a month because I just didn't. I'm not sure why. I'm still hard at it and am ever-so-slowly re-approaching that 25-pound loss I achieved, oh, um, last August.

I did very well after the last post, losing every week until this past week when I put on 1.4 pounds. The thing that trips me up every time is eating away from home. As long as I plan and prepare my meals, I do fine. Once I go out to eat, though, I struggle.

Last week we had a staff retreat at Colby College, a private school in central Maine. Private schools, I have learned, pride themselves on their food. Colby is no exception (although Bowdoin College students will proudly boast that their food has been ranked the best in the country). We've been to Colby for three years now and the food was not as good this year, although the variety was still astonishing compared to my college experience in the 1970s.

I'm convinced that students now have to battle the Freshman 25 instead of the Freshman 15. The Colby dining hall is organized into "stations" (my word; I have no idea what the food-service folks would call them). There's the salad bar, which included potato salad and cottage cheese, among all the veggies. There's the pizza & pasta zone, the fried/grilled area, the ice cream (soft & hard serve -- available at every meal) zone, and so forth.

I knew I'd be facing the dining hall along with all the munchies later when the staff got together to party. I planned ahead. I was going to eat sensibly but allow myself to have some soft-serve ice cream. I love soft-serve ice cream and generally don't all myself to succumb to its charms (hence my assertion that it has got to be the Freshman 25 these days). In addition, I bought some Fritos, looked up the Points value and promised myself I'd eat only two handfuls (about 4 Points).

My planning was not for naught because I did eat reasonable portions of soft-serve ice cream and I did eat no more than two handfuls of Fritos. So why did I gain weight? Because I couldn't balance the other things I ate. I typically eat whole grains for breakfast and lunch along with vegetables -- I couldn't get the whole grains I needed to help me to feel full. So I over-ate.

Saturday night I went to Hadlock Field for a Sea Dogs game. We had dinner there, so I faced another eating-out dilemma. Food choices at a baseball game are typically poor and this was no exception. I weigh-in on Saturday mornings, so I have the rest of the week to recover from that mis-adventure. The problem is that once I eat poorly more than a day or two, I have serious trouble getting back on track. I prefer to eat well. I feel better when I eat well. But once I start to eat poorly, it's very hard to stop because I begin to crave those poor foods in unhealthful quantities.

Today is Monday and I'll nestle into the comforting arms of routine . . . except for tomorrow morning when I'm going out for breakfast.

Crazy-Busy But Back on Track

2009-05-18T17:01:00.003-04:00

I truly am crazy-busy. I can't even think too much about all I have to do because it might paralyze me. And it's not going to let up any time soon.

After that awful 6.6-pound gain, I got back on plan and have lost it all and a bit more. I'm now back to where I was on April 11. Whew!

The irony of being crazy-busy, having fibromyalgia, and trying to lose weight is this: Being crazy-busy is exhausting. Exhaustion make fibro worse. Worse fibro means lots of time in my recliner. Lots of time in my recliner makes me hungry. Why? Because being exhausted and having a fibro flare means I'm not good for much of anything. Reading is difficult. Concentration is almost impossible. But eating? Oh yeah, baby! That's very possible!

So now I've seen losses two weeks in a row. I recall when I had losses six weeks in a row. I'm sorry I noticed it because I started the up-down-up-down pattern I'm in now after I noticed it. I might be on track for longer this time, though. I'm reconciled to tracking. Despite my exhaustion I'm thinking (only thinking, mind you) about how to move more.

And I'm thinking about how I sabotage myself.

One way I sabotage myself is with dinner. By the time I get home from work or rouse myself on the weekend to prepare dinner, I want what's easy but not necessarily what's tasty. Food that isn't satisfying tempts me to "cheat," i.e., eat quantities of foods I don't really enjoy.

Knowing that dinner is a problem, I've been looking for recipes that I can either make ahead or are very quick to prepare. Because I prefer to eat vegetarian, I'm currently experimenting with tofu. Just the experimentation keeps me interested and less likely to glom down fat and sugar.

I know better than to believe that I've finally found my weight-loss "handle," that doorknob that opens the way to effortless weight loss. But I've maintained my record of never missing a Weight Watchers meeting since I joined and I still believe I'm better off now than before WW. That qualifies as "on track," don't you think?

Struggling

2009-05-02T17:45:00.004-04:00

Last week was a truly awful week for weight loss. I gained 6.6 pounds. My total loss is down to 14.6 pounds. Obviously, I haven't overcome the mental obstacle I referred to in my last post. And at least I had the sense in that post to acknowledge I might not have gotten fully on board with the program.

Since I last posted, I've been up and down -- mostly up. This past week, though, was the worst. As I said at the meeting this morning, I did everything wrong. OK, so maybe I didn't do every single thing wrong, but once you read through my litany of mis-steps, you'll agree with me.

I tracked last Saturday and Sunday. So far, so good.

Then I launched into a work week of preparing to implement a new computer system. Our project manager flew in for the week and I was determined to learn as much as possible while he was here. Right. Little did I know that instead he would spend most of the week sucking knowledge out of my brain.

We met for breakfast on Monday then went out to lunch every day. We indulged in Italian sandwiches, diner food, pub fare, and fried seafood. I think I've fulfilled my potato quota for the next five years.

Lunch out every day should not equate to a six-pound gain, even as poorly as I ate. Four pounds, maybe, but not six.

The compounding factors were that I arrived at lunch famished every day because I hadn't snacked as I usually do. During a typical work day, I'll eat an apple or orange if I get hungry mid-morning or mid-afternoon. I was concentrating so intently that I didn't notice my hunger until I was well past hungry.

The project manager, clearly a sugar hound, plunked down large bags of chocolate for us to share (he also indulged in Pepsi a couple of times a day). I never succumbed to the chocolate temptation, so at least I did one thing right.

We worked late every night. That meant I never ate a decent dinner because I was too tired to cook. And it also meant that I didn't get enough sleep because I stayed up late to let my brain cool down.

And I got even less exercise than usual.

Despite all this and the 6.6-pound gain, I'm not discouraged. Struggling? Yes. Discouraged? No. I know why I gained 6.6 pounds this week. I also know what it takes to get it off and get back on track. I fully expect to lose most, if not all, of the gain in the next week.

Mind Over Matter

2009-03-22T17:09:00.003-04:00

I lost 3.4 pounds this week for a total loss of 22.4 pounds. It's, um, been a while since I've seen this weight on the scale.

Was I happy? Are you kidding? I was ecstatic!

How did this happen? Oh, gee, I did something very simple (and very difficult): I tracked. Yep, followed the rules.

Am I surprised? No way. Since my first diet at the age of 14? 15? 16? I've known that the way to lose weight is to count calories.

The only time I did not have to count calories was when my thyroid "mal-functioned" and gave me energy and the ability to eat sensibly. Silly me, I thought I'd figured out how to keep my weight down and my energy up by exercising and eating well.

My thyroid crashed nine years ago and I've been trying to find a way to live with the change ever since. Oh, I've had some other physical challenges along the way -- Lyme disease, fibromyalgia, periodic leg movement disorder (a sleep disorder), restless leg syndrome, depression, chronic fatigue -- but the primary challenge as far as my weight is concerned has been mental. I just could not make myself stick to a program.

I joined Weight Watchers because I knew I could no longer manage my weight without help. And so I've kept at it regardless of the numbers on the scale because I know I'll probably never be able to go it alone again.

One week's tracking doesn't mean I've overcome the mental obstacle that has made it so difficult for me to track. Still, it's the most disciplined tracking I've achieved since I joined Weight Watchers in October of 2007.

Tomorrow I'm flying to Michigan to see family. It's a full day of eating challenges. I've bought, counted, and prepared a day's worth of meals and snacks that should help me avoid the temptations of airport food. Next I'll face a full week of eating challenges because I'll be eating out a lot while in Michigan.

I've just learned that I might not have Internet access for a while in Michigan. What? No eTools? Yikes! Regardless of how I do without eTools and what I see on the scales at my next weigh-in, I know I'll be back to tracking ASAP.

New Resolve

2009-03-16T13:07:00.002-04:00

I haven't posted for a while because I've been doing so poorly. My current weight loss is 19 pounds. I gained three weeks in a row. I was definitely disheartened.

Then I did two things.

First, I realized that I've got to work the program. I just have to. There are lots of other things I'd like to improve about myself but I've decided that weight loss gets top priority. For me, working the program means tracking; as much as I like the idea of Simply Filling Technique (still a lousy name compared to Core), I can't seem to stick to it right now.

After last Saturday's meeting, I knew I just had to knuckle down and start tracking. I've often started the week with the paper tracker but never finished a week with it. I'm rarely far from a computer so I'm tracking completely online with eTools. This is Day 3 of my New Resolve and I've stuck to the program so far.

The second thing I did was to realize that I needed to treat my Lyme disease. I have chronic Lyme, which some physicians say doesn't exist. Well, maybe it doesn't exist for some people but it definitely exists for me. I continue to test positive for Lyme and I still have symptoms despite five years of daily antibiotics.

About a year ago, I decided I'd had it with all the pills and the rigorous schedule (four times a day, evenly spaced, no dairy or minerals taken within two hours either side of taking the antibiotics . . . you get the idea). So I stopped.

I'd been thinking for a while that I needed to do a short course of antibiotics to clear my system. Last week I finally finished up all the annual reporting projects I had on my plate and decided to take antibiotics for four days. It had occurred to me that I couldn't stick with the program because those nasty Lyme critters were interfering with my willpower.

When one takes antibiotics, many of the bugs die at once and release toxins that make one sicker than before. It's called a herx (short for Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction, first observed with syphilis patients) and it's miserable.

After four days of aches and pains and brain fog, I'm feeling much better. And I'm having no trouble sticking to my New Resolve!

Doldrums

2009-02-21T16:20:00.008-05:00

Lost 1.4 pounds this week for a total loss of 22 pounds, but this comes after a 2-pound gain last week, so there's not much to celebrate.

At today's meeting, a woman shared that she's going through a really hard time right now and just getting to the meeting was a major chore because she's gaining weight. She sees the numbers on the scale increasing and she despairs of stopping the gain. She, like so many of us, has gained and lost and gained and lost our entire lives. She knows she's under a lot of stress and depressed and found it really hard to hear people describe their successes during "sharing time."

Aside: Does "sharing time" have a formal name? Every meeting starts with it and people tend to focus on their successes instead of their failures. I'm blabby so I have something to say almost every week, gain or lose. I usually start thinking about my weight-loss week on Friday (sometimes earlier) and what I've noticed about my week. For me, sharing something reinforces the observations I've made. I'm often the first one to speak because I'm not shy about speaking in public and I know that someone needs to prime the pump. Okay, back to this week's meeting.

That resulted in a fabulous discussion that included a hug for her, tears for others, and a recognition for me (that I voiced, of course) that I show up every week because regardless of how I'm doing, I know WW is a safe place to talk about what's going on and I'll hear at least one thing at the weekly meeting that resonates with me.

By the way, I always weigh in because

weigh-ins are between the weigher and me, no one else;
no one is ever judgmental about gains or losses (although I've heard from a woman who attended years ago that her weight and gain/loss was loudly proclaimed to others -- can that really have been company policy?), and;
the feedback makes a difference. If I gain, it always gives me pause and affects how I shop and plan for the next week.

This past week I was felled by a nasty cold and I'm sure that's why I lost weight. I felt so rotten that there were times when I just couldn't think of anything appealing to eat even though I was hungry.

I'm close to a major weight milestone for me (and have been for months) and I know I need to make a commitment to reaching that weight as a goal. The days are longer now, which always improves my mood, so maybe I can get serious about how to stay on plan long enough to see the scale hit the magic number.

Back on Track?

2009-02-07T17:45:00.004-05:00

I lost 1.4 pounds this week and 2.4 pounds the week before, for a total loss of 22.6 pounds. I've erased that nasty three-pound gain from two weeks ago.

I was delighted to lose weight two weeks in a row. And everyone knew it! How could they not? I let out a big YES! with a fist pump. I heard someone say, "That must be good." No shrinking violet, I, when it comes to a success.

I haven't lost weight two weeks in a row since the end of November. I haven't been at this weight since before Christmas. I'd like to think that I've finally adjusted to Momentum, but I know better than to be cocky.

In fact, I think I started to have trouble the week I noticed that I'd lost weight six weeks in a row. Oh yeah, I definitely was cocky then.

Last week's meeting was run by a woman who'd lost 190 pounds. 190! She wasn't much of a leader but she was inspirational. She's probably new at it -- last week may well have been her first meeting -- and I always feel for new leaders who come to our meeting. Kaitlyn is an excellent leader, my current favorite. She's funny, informative, and motivational; definitely a tough act to follow.

But, last week's leader asked people to commit to a goal for the coming week. I committed to not engaging in comfort eating in the evening after some very, very long days I had last week. And I stuck to it. So, new-leader-whose-name-I-can't-remember, thank you!

Disappointed But Not (Very) Discouraged

2009-01-25T14:11:00.003-05:00

I gained 3 pounds this week for a total loss of 18.8 pounds. Phooey. I've said phooey a lot recently.

My leader asked if my three-pound gain was worth it. No, it wasn't. I didn't stick exclusively to Core and I ate too much.

I had an interior dialogue with myself about what's going on. I haven't solved it but I do have some insight. Despite my best intentions to track, I just can't stay with it. Some of my resistance is to the measuring that's involved, some of it is to the detail that's required, and some of it is probably depression.

Still, after continuing my dialogue, I fired up SparkPeople and estimated what I'd had for breakfast. I was horrified to discover that I'd had close to 600 calories for breakfast.

Prevention magazine has been promoting a book a couple of its editors wrote, called The Flat Belly Diet. In the February 2009 issue they interview people who've lost weight and inches on the diet. The pitch is that the diet enables you to lose weight from your belly, which is bad for your heart. Looking closer at the diet, I realized that people lost weight primarily because they were limited to 1600 calories a day. If they are healthier it's because they lost weight and because the diet encourages healthy eating.

The diet requires four meals of 400 calories per day. That's what got me to thinking about calories. I might be able to follow that kind of eating plan. I've tried to eat a snack mid-morning and another snack mid-afternoon, but I rarely eat the mid-morning snack. I'm busy at work or full from breakfast.

I first went to Nutrition Data, which is a helpful site but required to much effort to get a quick read on my calorie intake. SparkPeople has a nice display that makes it easy to see calories, carbohydrates, fat, and protein. I suspect that I don't eat enough protein, so this is a good way to find out.

Nutrition Data and SparkPeople, by the way, are both free.

Weight Watchers' Points Tracker works well for tracking but it doesn't provide any nutritional analysis. And my experience at SparkPeople made me realize that Points don't have meaning for me the way calories do.

I hope this insight is meaningful and translates into controlled eating on my part. I'm going to plan my meals for the work week and count calories. At some point (no pun intended), I'll translate those meals to Points.

The weekly Weight Watchers meeting is essential for me. I'm struggling mightily right now and if I weren't going to the meetings I'd have said to hell with it and given up on losing weight. I wouldn't have given this much thought to why I'm struggling so.

Back to Core, er, Simply Filling

2009-01-19T10:38:00.002-05:00

Two weeks ago I gained 1.2 pounds, for a total loss of 21.2 pounds. I was distraught. Well, that might be overstating it, but I was definitely upset by it. I had tracked, although I had not counted Points.

So I resolved to knuckle down and record everything I ate and count all the Points and measure and weigh everything, etc. That lasted for three days.

I hated it. I started to feel like my entire life revolved around what I was going to eat, when I was going to eat, how much I was going to eat, how I was going to prepare it, and recording what I ate. Arrrrgh!

Back to Core for me, which I prefer as a name over Simply Filling because 1) it's shorter, and 2) it reminds me that it's a whole-foods diet.

I get what Momentum is trying to do for people. And I like the greater flexibility in food choices that it provides (Flex was a good name but Momentum is OK, too). But my food choices lead me back to Filling Foods almost exclusively.

I rarely eat meat. I rarely eat processed foods. I almost never eat fast food. My meals consist of grains, vegetables, and fruits. I get dairy from fat-free yogurt and the occasional slice of cheese. Protein comes from dairy, legumes, and grains. I stay away from sweets. I sweeten with Splenda (and artificial sweetener) or erythritol (a sugar alcohol), although I do cook with sugar, honey, maple syrup, or molasses now and then. Stevia is too bitter for my tastes.

Where I deviate from Simply Filling is that I allow myself 100% whole-grain breads, pasta, and crackers more often. And I don't track my Weekly Points Allowance. I am now more convinced than ever that I have to find a way to lose weight without tracking/journaling/writing things down!

This weekend I made a batch of slow cooker vegetarian baked beans. Yum! It's hard to abuse beans because they fill you up so quickly.

This week I lost .6 pounds for a total loss of 21.8 pounds. I still have a long way to go to start losing regularly and to get back to my highest total of 27.4 pounds lost . . . and then to continue losing.

I'm still committed to Weight Watchers and weekly meetings. Without them, I'd have given up by now and put all the weight (and more) back on.

New Momentum?

2009-01-04T14:13:00.003-05:00

As I'd hoped, I did not gain weight last week. I lost .8 pounds for a total loss of 22.4 pounds. My current goal is to claw my way back to a 25-pound total loss.

Writing everything down made me more aware of what I was eating, as well as how much. I've started to measure again, although not everything. As I suspected, I need another week of tracking without Points before I can start working with Points again.

An interesting result of tracking has been my realization that I'm ready to give up Core. I think that a good part of my poor eating was due to depriving myself of too many things that I enjoy. I'm back to accepting that I cannot eat sugary foods; last night at a potluck I had a second helping of macaroni and cheese rather than indulge in dessert. In today's newspaper there was a coupon for Laughing Cow cheese, something I'd given up for Core; I clipped the coupon and put Laughing Cow back on my list of OK foods.

Maybe Momentum will be work for me after all.

Phooey

2009-01-01T11:22:00.003-05:00

I've gone from plateau to weight gain. Something about Momentum did me in. In the past two weeks I've gained 4.4 pounds, for a total loss of 21.6 pounds.

Momentum threw me for a loop, so my group leader gave me the Week 6 booklet, which re-introduces Core under its new name, "Simply Filling." It didn't help. I was completely undone. Clearly, I'm suffering diet fatigue or winter blues or sloth -- maybe all three.

Between Christmas Day and my weigh in, I gave my next step a lot of thought. Because I obviously couldn't get back on Core, I needed to do something else. I knew that if I tried to count and measure and weigh, I'd fail once again. Remembering what I'd read recently about willpower, I decided that rather than trying to make a wholesale change all at once, I'd set my sights lower and start with a small change.

This week I've been tracking. I have not calculated or recorded any Points; I have not recorded my satisfaction level; I have not checked off any of the Good Health Guidelines. I have carried my Tracker with me and written down what I've eaten. I have also paid attention to how full I feel throughout the day.

I got on the scales once this week and was surprised at how much I weighed. It wasn't a pleasant surprise, but afterward I realized that I hadn't weighed myself at home during these awful weeks of weight gain, so the scale was just reflecting what I already knew.

It doesn't matter what the scale reads on Saturday, although I think I'll probably have stayed the same. It hasn't been easy to track everything so I'll probably spend at least one more week tracking before I start counting Points.

This has been discouraging and disappointing and upsetting. And when I get really down on myself I recall that I haven't missed a meeting since I joined Weight Watchers; if there's one thing I've learned in all this time it's to tough it out and continue attending meetings. That thought actually cheers me because I know that as long as I attend weekly, I'll eventually find my way back to an eating plan I can live with and that will enable me to lose weight.

Until then, though, it's going to be a long slog through deep snow.

Momentum . . . for true believers?

2008-12-16T17:59:00.002-05:00

So, two weeks ago I gained 1.8 pounds and last week I lost 1.8 pounds. No change.

Big change, though, in Weight Watchers' diet plans. The new plan is called Momentum or, as people on the Weight Watchers' Core forum are calling it, Flore.

Flore = Flex + Core

There's now only one plan and it tries to combine the best of Flex and Core. If I joined Weight Watchers today, I might think it is terrific. Instead, I miss Core.

On the plus side, the new plan encourages everyone to eat "filling foods," foods that are mostly Core. For me, on the negative side, the new plan encourages everyone to track Points.

I left Saturday's meeting all fired up to track for a week to see how I could do with the new plan. It lasted until lunch. I've said many, many times before that I detest tracking. I've done it so often in my adult life that I can't make myself do it anymore (I can't make myself do a lot of things anymore, which I attribute to fibromyalgia -- but it could be just willpower fatigue, I suppose).

I binged through the rest of the weekend then got back on the Core wagon on Monday. I've been there ever since. And I intend to stay there until something changes. That something could be me or the Momentum plan.

I will continue to get weighed every week and attend the meetings because that's the very best part of Weight Watchers. I don't think I have the, um, momentum to follow a new diet plan.

I Have No Idea

2008-11-30T20:56:00.002-05:00

I lost a pound last week for a total loss of 26.0 pounds. I have no idea why. I didn't didn't follow the Core Plan all week and I didn't try all that hard to limit what I ate on Thanksgiving. I kept the guidelines for Core in mind and tried to monitor how full I felt, but I did manage to eat too much at dinner (it was the second helping of salmon loaf that did it). By the time dessert rolled around I knew there was no way I could eat anything more and didn't allow myself to be tempted; I guess that's progress I can point to.

Water Does Matter

2008-11-22T16:40:00.002-05:00

I enjoyed Zaphod's birthday dinner & leftovers for three nights and two breakfasts, which made me wonder if I might gain weight from it. It occurred to me that maybe I wasn't eating enough protein, so maybe I'd escape the dreaded weight gain if I ate responsible portions. Marian's Spaghetti Casserole typically contains ground beef and that's the way I made it this year. I generally eat a vegetarian diet, but I made an exception for this meal, primarily because I don't remember making Zaphod's birthday dinner for him last year.

Later in the week it dawned on me that I haven't been drinking as much water as usual. I'm not sure why because I've sipped on something all day since I was a kid. I'm a mouth-breather and always have been. I was well into adulthood before I realized that I always had a beverage at hand (typically iced tea) because I was a mouth-breather and, therefore, exhaling lots of moisture all day and all night. I haven't become a nose-breather, so I'm baffled as to why I've stopped sipping all the time. Regardless, once I realized I wasn't drinking enough water, I started to drink more.

Voilà! I lost 1.6 pounds this week a total loss of 25 pounds. Whew! I was beginning to think I'd lost the ability to lose weight!

Was it the water? Or the protein? Or both? I hope it was the water but I'm not going to find out for a week or two because I bought some deli turkey today. I became a vegetarian, originally, because I detest the factory-farming of animals and, later, because I can't kill an animal myself, so I shouldn't expect others to do it for me. My rationalization for the turkey? Turkeys have been bred to be so stupid they won't come in out of the rain. A weak rationalization, I know. If it does become clear that it's the protein, I'll have to calculate just how much protein I'm getting from a vegetarian diet and get serious about getting enough without killing animals to do so.

Maybe I've grown tired of iced tea. I sucked down lots of water yesterday when I switched to water with True Orange in it. Yum! By the way, I love True Lemon or True Lime in my fat-free, strained (Greek), plain yogurt with some Splenda or erythritol, a sugar alcohol like xylitol.

Frustrated? Yes. Discouraged? No

2008-11-16T16:33:00.003-05:00

Gained a pound this week for a total loss of 23.4 pounds. Phooey.

I did mostly OK this week but I was hungry a lot, despite spacing out my snacks so that I was eating every few hours. I had another cracker attack and that's probably what did me in.

Yesterday (weigh-in day) I didn't eat early enough so when I finally did eat, I inhaled food. Then I couldn't get full. I ate until I felt full, then, of course, I started to feel stuffed and over-full.

Today I continued with my bad habits and threw in some sugar in the form of pectin candy (ooh, that was really worth it because it was very good pectin candy, which is like gum drops but better).

I'm not sure what's going on with me. As much as I detest tracking, I'm thinking about doing some, including using the paper trackers they hand out at weigh-in.

This is the largest of my weight loss challenges. Although I've had a weight problem since puberty, I could always get control of it by tracking and exercising more. Sometimes it took me years to come to grips with the problem, but eventually I succeeded at getting my weight down.

This time around, though, I have a thyroid that doesn't function well, menopause that works against weight loss, and chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia that make it very difficult for me to increase my activity level. I also have other assorted chronic ailments that make weight loss a very difficult challenge, partly because of the medication I take.

I started taking t'ai chi again because I thought it would be a gentle way to get more activity (Karen, one of my favorite leaders, always exhorts us to ease into activity in the coming week). Unfortunately, the instructor is a newbie and is not particularly good. He had us hold our stances for so long with our weight on our left feet while he checked our positions that I injured my left foot and I won't be able to finish the semester. So much for easing into activity.

Today is Zaphod's birthday. Before all my illness I always baked a gooey birthday cake and made his favorite meal (spaghetti casserole, steamed broccoli, and garlic bread). This year, though, I decided I'd make his favorite meal. I rarely spend as much time in the kitchen (anymore) as I have today and I'm already starting to pay for it.

I'm not having a pity party. No, wait, I am.

But I'm truly not discouraged. I've committed to this "journey" and I intend to continue.

Sigh.

No Change Is No Problem

2008-11-08T14:58:00.002-05:00

I neither gained nor lost weight last week, so my total loss is at 24.4 pounds. I didn't "follow Plan" this past week because . . . well, I'm not sure why. I stuck to Core fairly well but had a serious cracker attack and ate whole-wheat bagel chips or whole-wheat bunnies after work before dinner.

When I have a cracker attack I don't count the Points. There's no point (sorry) because I'll eat a reasonable portion then continue eating until I'm satisfied.

Whatever the reason I couldn't stay away from the crunchy starches, I'm going to try to avoid them this week. It's important for me to have easy-to-grab snacks ready after work so, as is the case with everything else Core, I'll prepare some snacks this weekend to have on hand during the week.

I'm planning to make some popcorn, which I air-pop in the microwave, and roasted chickpeas, for which I need to track down a good recipe. I might also roast some butternut squash, which is really yummy when I roast it until it's very crisp.

That reminds me: I'm going to bake some spaghetti squash to have with a tomato sauce tonight. Here's my simple recipe, which is based on a recipe at RecipeZaar:

Slice the squash lengthwise and scoop out the seeds.
Sprinkle some olive oil in each half and spread it all over the inside of the squash.
Bake in a 350 oven for about an hour, until tender.
Allow the squash to cool for at least 20 minutes, although the cooler the better.
Scrape out the squash with a fork.

It's really important to let the squash cool before you combine it with sauce. If you don't let it cool it gets mushy. You can always zap it in the microwave to heat it before serving.

Slowly, Slowly

2008-11-02T17:27:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to crow about my weigh-in last week. It would have been fun. I surprised myself by losing 4.2 pounds, for a total loss of 27.4 pounds.

And then I took a week's vacation.

Need I say more?

I put on 3.0 of those pounds, for a total loss of 24.4 pounds. I was surprised by that gain because I thought I'd been doing okay. I didn't expect to maintain the previous week's loss but I thought I wouldn't gain back so much of it.

I'm home now, though, and glad to be going back on Core full time. Not staying on Plan meant eating whole wheat toast at breakfast (and one morning of multigrain pancakes -- yum!) and some full-fat sharp cheddar on a sandwich on whole wheat bread for lunch. There were other non-Core indulgences, but none were a wild deviation from my new "lifestyle."

In fact, I was impressed by how much my eating habits and tastes have changed in the past year. I really wanted to make yummy Core meals for dinner. I actually was aware of whether I felt full or not.

So now I'm home again and getting ready to go back to work tomorrow. And I feel pretty good about myself!

Oh, Phooey

2008-10-18T19:03:00.003-04:00

Okay, so officially I gained 2.8 pounds this week for a total loss of 23.2 pounds. Unofficially, I stayed the same or lost.

I was hungry all week. My home scales showed a loss up to yesterday morning.

Last night Zaphod & I had dinner out with a good friend of ours and I succumbed to the lure of french fries.

I wasn't surprised to see a gain on the scale at weigh-in this morning but I really wasn't expecting to see such a large gain. The meal I ate last night was probably pretty salty, so that might account for some of the gain, but all of it? Overnight?

Two weeks ago, my leader suggested that I count the Points of what I was eating to help me manage my portions. One week ago, I lost a pound, which demonstrated the wisdom of her suggestion. I continued to consume the portions I had determined were realistic this past week, with the exception of last night's dinner.

I follow the Core plan. I'm supposed to eat Core foods until I'm satisfied. I was never satisfied this past week. What the hell is going on?

At dinner last night I had a panzanella salad . . . and a side of fries. I nibbled on the fries until I finished the salad. Then I rested (as in "stop, rest, and assess") and afterward enjoyed the rest of the fries. I was satisfied, not stuffed. But 2.8 pounds satisfied?

Could this have anything to do with living in Maine and it getting darker, a lot darker, at this time of year? I truly don't know. I tried to move more this past week, but that was just walking the dogs a couple of mornings along with my usual t'ai chi class. It doesn't come close to accounting for my hunger.

Meditation on Exercise

2008-10-13T17:33:00.007-04:00

Today was a holiday for me (Indigenous Peoples Day aka Columbus Day). I had not intended to spend the day thinking about moving more but that's how it turned out. I don't even remember what got it started. It had nothing to do with the fact that there was no change in my weight at Saturday's weigh in, so my total loss is still 26 pounds.

Three-day weekends are bad for me. I need the rest, yes. I enjoy not having to go to work, yes. But I too often feel dissatisfied afterward because I didn't do anything but rest. I'm feeling enough better these days (fibromyalgia, vertigo, chronic fatigue, depression -- remember?) that it's time for me to start making some progress in ways other than Weight Watchers.

True, I've started t'ai chi again and I love it just as much as I did the very first time I encountered it. I even remember to practice almost every day. I'm trying very hard to make it a daily presence in my life. But it's not enough.

Today I got off on a quest to learn whether a Trikke is right for me. It looks like fun and the people who own them tend to sound cult-like in their devotion to them. It's hard not to be inspired to want to get more exercise after watching some of the videos and reading some of the posts from the, um, elder (check out the 50-somethings thread) adherents.

The question I haven't yet been able to answer for myself is whether it is a realistic way for me to commute to work. My commute is about two miles by car, which isn't very far. Unfortunately, the last portion of it is up a very steep hill -- at least by car. There are ways around the hill that add distance and time to the commute.

I know that I need at least an hour of exercise every day. I also know that I'm not capable of that right now. I don't know if I'll ever be capable of it again but I'm starting to talk to myself about how I want to be.

I've long wanted to find a way to get to work without burning fossil fuels; my last job was about a half-mile from home and I walked most days. It's been over ten years since I had that job (and the business has moved since) and I still want to find some way to commute without burning fossil fuels. I live in Maine, which can make commuting by any form a challenge in the winter.

There's an appealing efficiency to combining my commute with needed exercise. Is a Trikke the way to do it? Or should I just start walking more and eventually walk all the way to work (and back)? Walking has great appeal because it's possible regardless of the weather -- I do live in Maine.

I don't have any answers yet, but I am heartened by the fact that I'm even considering the possibility of walking to work. This may be a fool's errand, but I fully intend to find out what's possible for me.

OK, OK, I'm starting to get it

2008-10-04T20:46:00.003-04:00

I lost one pound this week for a total of 26 pounds lost. I'm not at the lowest weight I've been since I joined Weight Watchers, but I'm close.

I did as my leader suggested and calculated Points for the meals I usually eat. Sure enough, I was eating portions of grains that were too large. I cut back and lost a pound despite eating out many times during the weekend after my previous weigh in.

Now the challenge is to continue the portion control I managed to exercise last week.

There's really no magic to all of this but no one can fault me for wishing there were.

So Much for the Gain-Is-a-Loss Theory

2008-09-28T16:25:00.003-04:00

Gained weight again this week, so my total loss is down to 25 pounds. My leader mis-calculated, so I thought I had fallen below that magic 25-pound mark. When I checked her math, I breathed a sigh of relief. It took me a long, long time to pass the 25-pound mark that it has more significance for me than it should.

Now I have to knuckle down and lose some weight. My leader suggested that I measure & track & count Points this week. She's right. I think I've been eating too much of the yummy grains I've been making. If there's a way to abuse a food, I'll find it.

So, it's off to eTools to change my plan from Core back to Flex so I can calculate the Points for the grains recipes I like so I can determine what a realistic portion is. The hard-core, purist Corbies on the Weight Watchers Core message board believe that if one counts anything other than the weekly 35, one isn't following the Core plan. Phooey, if it helps me to lose weight and to learn portion control, I don't care what kind of mutt it is.

When is a gain a loss?

2008-09-20T16:48:00.004-04:00

Gained weight this week. I wasn't surprised. I gained a pound, so my loss is now at 25.6 pounds, but still past that magical 25-pound mark I was lusting after not too long ago.

I attribute the gain to two things: 1) I ate out twice last week and had fish & chips both times; and 2) IBS.

I cleaned my plate both times I ate out. I had no excuse last Saturday for cleaning my plate and finishing the meal with some (disappointing) key lime pie. I know exactly why I cleaned my plate on Wednesday night: I'd had a full afternoon at work and hadn't eaten anything since lunch. Add to that a menu that had very little that was vegetarian or Core. I eat a lot of salads and I just couldn't face another one, so I went with the fish & chips. Once I made that decision, I just went with it and enjoyed my meal.

IBS is irritable bowel syndrome. It's a common feature of fibromyalgia. Most people have either the constipation version or the diarrhea version of IBS. I swing between the two and I never know when one or the other is going to arrive. Last week I had (and still have) the constipation version.

Add to the eating-out and the IBS the cool weather we've had recently, which means I showed up for my weigh-in wearing jeans and a turtleneck instead of shorts and a polo shirt, and a one-pound increase seems positively insignificant! Right?

T'ai Chi!

2008-09-19T22:06:00.002-04:00

I recently started taking t'ai chi classes again.

I've loved t'ai chi from the very first time I encountered it. It combines movement and meditation, which from the very beginning have made me feel at peace. While yoga has its appeal, t'ai chi has a stronger pull for me because of its movement. I've been a dancer at heart from the time my mother enrolled me as a pre-schooler in dance lessons ( I remember them as modern-dance lessons, but they were probably more akin to movement and rhythm lessons).

The power of t'ai chi came home to me in the class I attended during my first Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction (also known as a "herx"). I had been diagnosed with Lyme disease and was taking antibiotics. A herx occurs when there is a die-off of bacteria, which then release toxins and make a person even sicker. I went to the t'ai chi class because I figured it would help me to feel better. It did.

Unfortunately, I couldn't continue with t'ai chi because I developed chronic fatigue then fibromyalgia and couldn't do much else besides work (and I needed to work for the health insurance; ah, the irony).

Fibromylagia kept me from all exercise, even my morning walks with the dogs. Once the nasty flare that resulted in my fibromyalgia diagnosis started to recede, I started to think about how to become more active. Then I experienced two very nasty bouts of vertigo that led to minor vertigo on a daily basis.

Hmmmm, vertigo = balance. What's good for balance? Ah ha! T'ai chi.

It feels very good to be back.

Big Mommy Weight Watcher

2008-09-14T13:19:00.004-04:00

I'm a big fan of Weight Watchers.

Eleven months ago, I purchased a "Gold Card." It was good for twelve months of weekly meetings. I knew I had to make a long-term commitment if I was going to stick with it. It was a very good move on my part. I have attended a Weight Watchers meeting every week since I signed up.

Six months ago, I signed up for eTools. I don't track or plan the way I should so I'm probably not getting as much use out of eTools as I could, but it's a good reference. It's harder to use now that I'm on Core, but I'm learning to make it work for me instead of stymie me.

I'm a big fan of Weight Watchers.

Complaint coming? You bet!

I spend a lot of time at weightwatchers.com on their message boards. As is common with active message boards, there is a lot of help to be had there. I got a lot of help yesterday, as I recounted earlier. That help included a link to a thread with lots of whole-grain recipes and a description of the once-a-day rules. I was having trouble understanding why brown rice can only be eaten once a day on Core (after reading the nutrition info on packages of barley, quinoa, and bulgar I now know that it's probably because brown rice doesn't have a significant amont of fiber).

I'm a big fan of Weight Watchers.

Fortunately, I printed the threads with the recipes so I could refer to them later while making out my grocery list. Why was that fortunate? Because when I went back to the thread to find the link this morning, the post with the link and once-a-day rules was gone. It took me a while to figure out that, no, I wasn't losing my mind, I really had read the post. Instead, Big Mommy Weight Watcher had "poofed" the post (as some posters put it).

Hmmm, why would that be? I've seen links to other threads in older posts so it must have been the once-a-day rules. Oh, please. I know that Weight Watchers fiercely guards its copyright and its plan details. Fine. Deleting the post with explanation, though, is patronizing and dumb.

Have I mentioned that I'm a big fan of Weight Watchers?

The messages boards are open to the public, so Weight Watchers obviously doesn't want non-paying people to show up, get the details of the weight-loss plans for nothing, then leave. Ahem. How many times have I heard that success is greatly improved by attending meetings? How many times have I read that success is even greater when eTools are added to the meetings?

This tells me that the message boards are nothing more than a promotional tool to get people to sign up for meetings. And once signed up for meetings, to sign up for eTools. If people can't get to a meeting, then they can sign up for the online program, which I believe includes eTools.

Looking at the message boards from that perspective, it's no wonder the boards are so hard to use (for starters, they're difficult to search and they default to the latest thread). I'm looking forward to the time when I don't need help from the message boards because I'm frustrated by them every time I use them.

And maybe by then, they'll have improved eTools enough that I won't have to keep switching my plan from Core to Flex and back to get the information I need.

Core Follies

2008-09-14T13:06:00.002-04:00

Gained .2 this week, for a total loss of 26.6 pounds. Didn't make it below the magic 30 BMI this week.

Most of the week I didn't feel full, so I posted on the Veggie & Core message boards at WeightWatchers.com. The two boards are very different but they both came back with the same replies: Post a menu so we can take a look. On Core you're not looking to feel full; instead you want to feel satisfied. Are you feeling satisfied?

So I posted a typical day's menu. Once again, the responses were nearly identical: You're not eating enough dairy. You're not getting enough whole grains. You're eating too much brown rice. Your lunches are too diet-y.

Sigh.

I thought I was doing pretty well with Core, but clearly I'd missed some key points. Fortunately, a couple of the posters pointed me to some threads with lots of recipes using grains. This morning I selected two or three of them, made my grocery list, and went shopping. Now I just need to find the energy to cook!

The plan is to make as many of the changes as possible of those suggested and see how I do this next week. If I'm still feeling unsatisfied (I've learned my lesson on that one!), I'll post a daily meal plan again to see what I'm missing.

Someday maybe I'll be able to help someone else sort out their Core meal plan.

Setting Milestones

2008-09-06T14:02:00.002-04:00

When I started Weight Watchers, I did so without a thought toward setting milestones. I just knew that I needed to stop gaining weight and start losing.

It wasn't long, though before I started to set milestones. Five, ten, fifteen pounds -- those were the first milestones I set and I rewarded myself with a WW Points calculator, a WW water bottle (which I have since abandoned because it probably contains BPA), and a WW magazine.

Next, I looked forward to hitting the 10% mark, which took months and months and months. I rewarded myself with the Hungry Girl cookbook.

My next milestone is to get my BMI (body mass index) to below 30. When my BMI goes below 30 I will no longer be officially obese. I will finally have entered the ranks of the merely overweight. I detest the term obese and I'm looking forward to shedding it.

Today my BMI 30.6. I have no idea how much weight I need to lose to see it go below 30 and I'm not going to calculate it. It's more interesting this way!

Slowly Going, Going . . . eventually gone

2008-09-06T13:33:00.003-04:00

Lost .2 pounds this week for a total of 26.8 pounds lost. I'm not discouraged by such a small weight loss because I had the presence of mind to check my folder before getting weighed. I noticed that I'd lost week for five weeks in a row. I decided that if I didn't lose weight this week it would be OK because I can't expect to lose weight every week. Now I can say that I've lost weight six weeks in a row.

I spent the week trying to eat every three hours or so. I'm not a natural at this, so it was hard work and I'm still getting the hang of it. The reason I'm doing this is that I was recently diagnosed with vestibular migraines; they're migraines with vertigo and nausea, sometimes an aura, but no headache. The doctor I saw suggested I avoid the traditional migraine-headache triggers to see if I can reduce the frequency and severity of vertigo I experience; I experience vertigo and nausea daily, sometimes many times a day. He also suggested I try other things, such as eating more often to produce more even levels of blood sugar in my body.

Being a reference librarian at heart, I did a fair amount of research. It's easy to find lists of migraine triggers on line. It's much harder to find people who have actually reduced the frequency or severity of their migraines by avoiding the traditional triggers.

Based on my research, I concluded that the technique with the highest likelihood of success was eating throughout the day. Now I eat a regular breakfast then have a piece of fruit mid-morning, a small lunch, yogurt mid-afternoon, sometimes popcorn late afternoon, then dinner. I used to eat the fruit, salad, and yogurt at lunch.

So far I've seen no improvement in my vertigo or nausea. I have seen improvement in my ability to tell when I'm hungry and when I'm satisfied, which, as you may know, is a key component of the WW Core plan. Progress can made be made under strange circumstances.

I'm not optimistic that I'll be able to make a difference in how often or how severely I experience vertigo or nausea. It's entirely possible that this is just another manifestation of fibromyalgia, a possibility the doctor candidly discussed with me.

That was some birthday cake!

2008-08-30T12:55:00.002-04:00

. . . and the leftovers stayed behind at the party. I did have a sliver of it and it was quite tasty. Unfortunately, I had to taste and adjust the flavoring of the frosting many times. Once I was into the sugar, it was hard to stop. There was frosting left over and it went into the trash the first thing the next morning, a difficult task requiring massive willpower. I've known for a while that I just can't eat sugary things but I gave in for the birthday cake.

I got back on the straight and narrow for the rest of the week and -- ta da! -- lost .4 pounds for a total of 26.6 pounds lost. There's something to this Core Plan.

I'm still looking for the perfect fat-free salad dressing. Fat-free plain yogurt mixed with salsa makes a yummy creamy dressing; the problem is it tastes best at room temperature and I don't always remember to pull it out of the fridge before I need it. So I continue my quest for a fat-free non-creamy salad dressing (there should be a better name than "non-creamy salad dressing," shouldn't there?).

Core Success!

2008-08-24T12:26:00.002-04:00

Lost 1.4 pounds this week, for a total loss of 26.2 pounds. Finally! Finally made it past the 25-pound mark (those 25-pound "washers" are pretty lame, aren't they? no matter, I've got one and put it on my 10% keychain).

I stuck to Core pretty strictly throughout the work week. At this point, my plan is to eat purely Core meals during the week, then loosen up a bit on the weekend. Yesterday I had a couple of 2-point English muffins with peanut butter. Today I had a ciabatta roll with egg salad made with decidedly non-Core mayo for breakfast. Tonight we're celebrating family birthdays and I'll indulge in a very small sliver of the cake I'm baking; I'll probably also indulge in some real cheese before dinner.

I know there will come a time when I'll have to be more careful about my non-Core eating on the weekend, but for the next week or two, it's making it a lot easier for me to stay on Core during the week. I do not count my non-Core points because I really can't stand to track. Instead, I'm becoming more aware of when I'm hungry and when I'm satisfied and which foods just aren't worth the calories.

Big discovery of the week: fat-free yogurt mixed with salsa for a creamy salad dressing. Mix them about half & half and add other spices if you like, such as garlic powder or celery seed. Yum! Next on my list: discovering a fat-free non-creamy dressing.

eTools for eFools?

2008-08-17T16:45:00.005-04:00

As I said in yesterday's post, I've decided to switch from Weight Watchers' Flex program to its Core program. I was motivated to do this by this week's meeting, where we got to talking about the advantages of Core and I realized that I'm practically eating Core already. I just have to give up bread and crackers (not easy, but I can still have rice, potatoes, and whole wheat pasta once a day).

I use eTools, which help me to track and plan. I've been driving myself crazy today trying to figure out why a recipe I entered that contained all Core foods had a Points value of 5. It should have a value of 0.

Finally, I started to troll the Help pages and found that the Recipe Builder doesn't work correctly for Core -- at least not yet and maybe never. That makes using the Planner useless for tracking my WPA (Weekly Points Allowance -- everybody on Core gets 35 Points to spend on non-Core foods).

My next stop was the Core Plan message board. The messages boards on WeightWatchers.com leave something to be desired, but I did eventually find a post that helped me out. The trick is to increase the number of servings to 99 or 100 to get the Points value to 0. Um, I pay $12.95 a month for a service that doesn't work for me?

Return to Core?

2008-08-16T12:33:00.003-04:00

Lost .8 for a total of 24.8 pounds lost. So close to the magic 25! My plan is to select my goal weight when I hit 25, which I had hoped would be today. Next week will be fine.

At this morning's meeting we talked a lot about the Core plan. I tired Core once and failed miserably at it. It just gave me license to eat. As we discussed it today, though, I realized that I'm eating very close to Core already.

Core is all about attitude. Flex is all about options.

When I tried Core the first time, I did it because I was having trouble making myself track. But I wasn't ready to alter my state of mind so I could learn to eat only until I was satisfied. That's the attitude part of Core.

Core is about self-limiting by food choice. Flex is about self-limiting by tracking.

When I tried Core the first time, I felt strait-jacketed by the narrow range of food choices I could make. On Core, one can eat as much as one wants, but only of Core foods. I don't recall what I couldn't give up, but it doesn't matter. I've learned since then that I can't eat sugar; it just makes me want more sugar and I have a hard time stopping. I've also learned to like non-fat yogurt when I make yogurt cheese of it and add either Splenda or garlic salt.

The upshot is that I'm going to put together some Core menus for the week ahead to see if I'm not ready for it. Those who succeed on Core really like it because there is no tracking. I detest tracking!

A New Phase?

2008-08-09T17:34:00.002-04:00

Lost weight this week: -1.4 for a total loss of 24 pounds. Making progress! I haven't been this low since I started Weight Watchers.

I don't have a lot to comment on today, but that's not what the "new phase" in the title is about.

The new phase I'm considering is whether I need to move on from Karen, my WW leader. Karen is funny, smart, and clever. Yes, here comes a "but": But too often her meeting is about her and not about us.

Last week, I attended Kaitlyn's meeting on Friday night. She also leads the first meeting Saturday morning. I go to Kaitlyn's meetings when I can't make it to Karen's. But I noticed last week that Kaitlyn's meetings are about us, not Kaitlyn. Last week I got a terrific recipe for butternut squash fries (cut up a butternut squash, spritz with oil, bake at 400 for about 10 minutes, indulge). I've never gotten anything like that at Karen's meetings.

So the new phase I think I'm entering may be that I go to Kaitlyn's meeting when I need motivation and Karen's meeting when I need inspiration. Sometimes the difference between the two is very minor, but at this point in my "journey" the two are distinct.

Oh. My. God.

2008-08-03T18:28:00.005-04:00

The wedding I've written about at least twice? Here's a picture of me at the wedding (sorry, divamentors, no shots of my red hair, which is less than, um, exciting -- I'll be asking for an "upgrade" the next time I see my hairdresser).

Who is this fat, FAT woman? I don't know her!

I am regularly amazed by the discrepancy between my self-image and my "image." I do not feel at all the way this photo looks!

Fried Food Deficiency

2008-08-02T18:59:00.003-04:00

I lost weight this past week. I lost 1.8 pounds, for a total loss of 22.6. Having hit my 10%, I'm now motivating myself with the goal of going over 25 pounds lost. The "washer" that WW hands out at 25 pounds lost (there are washers for other milestones, but I'm not certain what they are) doesn't have the cachet for me that the 10% keychain did, but it has finally occurred to me (duh) that I need to keep finding milestones to develop any kind of momentum.

Now to the topic of this post. The turtle I received (Be the Turtle) this week was given to me at lunch. It was up to me to select the place to have lunch, so I chose Lang's Express for a variety of reasons I don't need to detail.

Lang's has an all-you-can-eat lunch buffet and I knew before I got there that I was going to partake. Partake? No, it was more like indulge. Indulge? No, it was more like dive in!

Clearly, I'd been suffering a fried food deficiency because I went back -- twice -- for egg rolls and crab rangoon (oh, I had some noodles, too, but I managed to avoid almost all veggies). And I enjoyed every bit of it. Once I realized that I was not going to exercise restraint, I just went for it. I didn't feel guilty about it and I didn't obsess over it later.

I did, however, pay attention to how I felt that evening. I was still feeling satisfied from my fried-food fest, so for dinner I had a bowl of air-popped popcorn. And whatever craving I had for fried food before my Lang's excursion has been satisfied -- perhaps for months.

Ah, sweet satisfaction. I lost weight this week!

The Bride Was Beautiful

2008-08-02T18:47:00.002-04:00

Today was the wedding for which I experienced "wedding bell blues" while shopping for something to wear to it. The bride really was beautiful. Her dress was gorgeous. She and her dress complemented each other. The groom was handsome. The ceremony was lovely. And a good time was had by all.

I'm glad I made myself go shopping for something to wear and purchased something I like and felt comfortable in. I hadn't looked at the skirt and blouse since I bought it and was pleased when I pulled them out of the bag before getting dressed. Maybe I'm making progress?

In order to have time to slice tomatoes and lettuce for 100 hamburgers (the wedding was not a catered affair, but it was no less lovely) I went to my WW meeting last night (Friday). I'd never been to a non-Saturday meeting before . . . really! I was surprised that there were even fewer people at the meeting than on Saturday morning. It was convenient to go off to a meeting after work and start my weekend knowing I'd had my weigh-in.

Be the Turtle

2008-07-31T18:11:00.004-04:00

My favorite leader, Karen, has been enamored of Uno, the beagle, since he won best in show at the Westminster Dog Show in February. She has talked about "being the beagle" off and on since then.

I'm about to celebrate a birthday -- my double-nickel to be exact -- and a very good friend of mine recognized my birthday by giving me a small turtle. It's heavy for its size, which makes it just perfect for dropping into a pocket to fiddle with or holding while on the phone with a computer user (I do tech support, among other things, for a living) who is having trouble with a Word document. When I opened this marvelous little package, my friend told me to "be the turtle."

I knew immediately what she meant: Take your time, be meticulous about sorting out health issues, don't race ahead like a hare, take care. Then she went on to tell me that there's a lot of mythology and symbolism connected with turtles. Here's one I particularly like: Turtles seem to possess an enviable and god-like resistance to aging, and so they came to symbolize longevity. That's particularly appropriate for a birthday, yes?

I treasure my turtle. I told my friend that I like it especially because she's so good at selecting "fidgets" or items that are good for moving around in one's hands. Here comes the tie-in to Weight Watchers: Karen talks a lot about anchors. Anchors are nothing more than fidgets that remind you to eat wisely.

Now I have a fidget/anchor that reminds me to "be the turtle" in many ways: with weight loss, health issues and, most importantly, friendship.

40 Points of Food Feeling Without the Food!

2008-07-26T12:59:00.002-04:00

This past week, I got 40 points of food feeling without the food doing something I've never done before: I had my hair dyed. It was great fun!

I anticipated the event for weeks and didn't tell anyone about it. Part of the deliciousness of the anticipation was thinking about how people would react when they saw my hair.

Um, ah, ahem, no one noticed. That's because I had the hair underneath my hair dyed red. It's a gorgeous shade of red that goes really well with my green eyes and real hair color. My plan, though, was for the red to show much more than it does. I finally had to show people what I was (unintentionally) hiding. If I hadn't started having vertigo, which tends to put things into perspective, I'd have gone back for an "adjustment."

Not one to be subdued (thank you, fibromyalgia, I can't think of the word I want here), I'm planning to experiment with clips so I can put my hair up to ensure that people notice!

M-o-l-a-s-s-e-s

2008-07-26T12:41:00.002-04:00

What's as slow as molasses? This is not a trick question or even a mildly-clever riddle. It's my weight loss, of course.

I gained weight this week, so I'm now at a total loss of 20.8 pounds.

If I sound discouraged, I'm not. I had a tough week. On Wednesday, I had such a severe bout of vertigo that I had to hang onto my chair to keep from falling out of it. I suffered two more bouts that day, although neither required that I grab hold of something. I suffered another severe bout of vertigo the next day. That afternoon I saw my nurse practitioner, who is scheduling me for an MRI. (By the way, nurse practitioners in Maine provide almost all the care a physician does and can prescribe medication -- my NP is awesome: experienced, smart, funny, and easy to talk to).

As a result, I'm not exactly relaxed because I don't know when the next bout might hit -- or even if it will hit. I'm not obsessing over it but I'm definitely "on call" because whenever I sense the slightest shift in my equilibrium, I become hyper-vigilant until the sensation passes. Uneasiness is not conducive to calorie counting.

As always, the way to get back on track is to rededicate myself to the process, which means tracking, tracking, tracking. And tracking, for me, always means planning because I can't stay within my points unless I plan ahead.

Good thing I love to do research!

Wedding Bell Blues

2008-07-20T12:14:00.003-04:00

Yesterday after my WW's meeting I decided to go shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding in two weeks. I haven't been to a wedding in ages, so I don't already own something suitable that fits. As I watched in horror while the weight piled on after I got sick, I vowed not to buy new clothes unless I absolutely had to. I shopped at Goodwill and the Salvation Army for quite a while until the selection got really weak; I have no idea why it changed. I was punishing myself for having gained weight and I was fully aware of it. As people who know me will tell you, I adopted, and still wear, a uniform of polo shirts & khakis in the summer and turtlenecks & jeans in the winter.

Since joining WW I've been trying to cut myself some slack. I've never enjoyed shopping so it took a lot of rehearsal to prepare myself to shop for a dress. I worked my way through the mall to Lane Bryant, which has great bras but has been a disappointment otherwise. Yesterday's visit was especially disappointing because all the clothes were so dark. It was depressing. I wasn't shopping for a bra, so I left empty-handed.

At JC Penney I found a skirt and blouse, both on sale, that will be OK for the wedding. I knew I was pushing my luck by wanting to buy a summer dress in late July. I don't need to go on that particular rant because I'm hardly the first woman to complain about not being able to buy summer clothes during the summer.

There isn't a lot of good news in this post because I didn't enjoy myself at all. I detested looking at myself in the mirror. I detested having to try on women's sizes. I detested seeing something I liked and not being able to find it in anything close to a size that would fit me.

When I interviewed in July of 1998 at the place I still work, I wore a skirt and and blouse that I really liked. It made me feel good and I knew it showed how tall and slender I was. Two years later, I was diagnosed with the first of the many illnesses that have slowed me down and piled on the pounds I'm now fighting to take off. I'm not as tall now and, obviously, far from slender, but I still have that skirt and blouse and fully intend to wear them comfortably again some day.

Math Phobia?

2008-07-20T11:55:00.003-04:00

Aarrrggghhh! I lost 1.4 pounds this week for a total loss of 22.4.

There's a "receptionist" (I hate that term) at my WW's meeting who always has trouble with subtraction. Three weeks ago she struck again and recorded that I'd gain 2 pounds when I had actually gained 3. I've learned to check her math but didn't that week. I finally caught the error today when I was recording my weight in the multiple places I track it.

Sigh. I thought that despite gaining some weight I'd managed to stay below my 10%, but for a couple of weeks I didn't. Not that it matters -- no wait, it does, or I wouldn't be writing about it. It took me a long time to get below 10% and once I got there I thought I'd be able to stay there.

Last week I was on vacation at my dad's house. I neither gained nor lost, which is always a victory after a week with my dad. We go out to breakfast every morning when I visit. I always eat too much when I eat breakfast out, so I have to eat less the rest of the day when I do it. That's hard to do when I'm just hanging out at my dad's condo all day, as we did all week this time. Dad is 82 and starting to slow down.

The way I didn't gain weight was to pay attention to whether I was actually hungry. Without a routine to provide cues, I was better at judging my hunger. I was also more aware of assessing my hunger. Small progress, but progress just the same.

Independence from What?

2008-07-05T15:14:00.004-04:00

I gained two pounds this week, for a total of 22 pounds lost. I'm confident I gained all two pounds yesterday. Clearly, I haven't gained my independence from overeating on Independence Day.

I did try to eat reasonably, but the cauliflower salad, bean salad, and potato salad were all too much to resist. And I succumbed to the smell of grilled meat and ate a cheeseburger. In penance, I passed on the brownies (that I had made), although by the time I served the brownies, I wasn't much interested in them.

This menu would not have added two pounds to my weight if I hadn't also overeaten before the cookout. I'm still in the clutches of serious starchy-carb cravings, so when I decided that I should make sure I wasn't hungry when I arrived at the cookout, I went for the pretzels. Pretzels and fat-free (but not calorie-free) cream cheese.

For breakfast, I'd had a ciabatta roll with (fat-free-but-not-calorie-free) cream cheese and pretzels. Mid-day I'd had beans and tomatoes -- low calorie, high fiber, and not satisfying for long enough.

I'd gotten on the scale yesterday morning, so I knew if I could behave myself, I might show a loss for the week. Alas, when I got on the scale this morning before WW, I knew I'd be facing a gain.

The good news in this, of course, is that I can get the two pounds off pretty quickly because some of it must be water-weight gain from all the starchy carbs and salt.

Will I? Actually, yeah, I think I will. I'm about to head out to Michigan to spend a week with Dad; the last time I was out there I managed to finally get him to understand that I really, truly didn't want to go to any breakfast buffets because I'm powerless before them and always eat too much. We avoided the breakfast buffets, I weighed in and went to a meeting out there, and fared pretty well (at least that's how I remember it!).

Going to the Dogs

2008-06-28T12:53:00.002-04:00

Lost weight again this week! I lost 1.8 pounds for a total of 24 pounds.

Despite my unrelenting exhaustion, all-over achyness, and sore hips, I started walking the dogs again this week. I told myself that if I got up before 6, I'd walk the dogs. That happened on Thursday. Off we went . . . slowly.

It had been months since the dogs and I had sauntered forth so they had lots of catching up to do. We ambled around the neighborhood for about 20 minutes, Amy & Cody sniffing up the news they'd missed.

We walked yesterday and today, too, always slowly and for about 20 minutes. The good news is that the walks have not made me feel worse afterward. I gave up our walks because they exhausted me (the formal name is "exercise intolerance"). My doctor recommended I start with a 5-minute walk and increase it by 15 seconds a day; Zaphod suggested I use my treadmill; I was so exhausted that I couldn't find the energy to do even that.

So, why can I walk for 20 minutes now? My fibromyalgia hasn't let up much and my sleep isn't any better. I think I've got the energy because I'm not exhausting myself by sitting upright at work. The office recliner I bought about a month ago has made a difference in how I feel at the end of the work day.

I'm still spending most of my time working and recovering from work, but getting out with the dogs is progress.

Decimated!

2008-06-21T17:34:00.006-04:00

Woo Hoo! I finally made it past the 10% mark this week! I lost 2.2 pounds, for a total loss of 22.2 pounds.

And why is this post titled Decimated!? The original meaning of decimate was "to kill one in every ten" or to reduce by a tenth. In recent years the word has been used to mean "to kill in large numbers" or "to reduce by a lot." I like the precision of the original definition, so I try to use it that way -- not that anyone else (besides Zaphod) knows what I'm talking about!

When I told Zaphod I'd been decimated today, he shot back, "Oh, so you've tithed!" Ah, another 10% word. If you follow the hyperlinks, though, you'll find that tithe has so far managed to hang on to the "tenth" portion of its meaning. Hmmm, I wonder why?

I've been looking forward to getting my 10% keychain . . . then I had to look online to figure out how to add my 16-week charm to it! For those of you who are wondering, you pull up then twist the round part of the keychain.

The bookmarks and Bravo stickers have never done much for me, except in the beginning. Karen, my favorite leader, puts the Bravo sticker on the back of your hand instead of just handing it to you. I sometimes wear my Bravo sticker a full day or more before peeling it off. It acts as an anchor for me.

Karen was terrific when I hit the magical 10%. She has long reinforced me for my commitment to attending a meeting every week. She was delighted when I let out an enthusiastic "woo hoo!" when I realized I'd finally hit the 10% mark.

I've been attending Weight Watchers since October 20 of last year -- 36 weeks! Good heavens, that's 8 months! (I suppose, technically, it's 9 months of 4-week months.) No wonder I'm so excited by losing 22 pounds!

As a reward for finally getting the 10% keychain, I took myself off to Border's and bought Hungry Girl a book by the founder of hungry-girl.com. I've been getting her email newsletter for a while and knew that I wanted her book. I'm looking forward to delving into it.

I also bought Fibromyalgia for Dummies because I've wanted it since I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and read that it's a good book for the newly diagnosed -- but I don't consider it a reward for hitting the 10% mark. My weight loss motto is currently "I'm sick and tired but I'd rather be sick and thin." Another WW veteran's motto is "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I like her motto better than mine.

Progress?

2008-06-14T17:07:00.005-04:00

This week I gained 1.2 pounds, so my loss is back down to 20 pounds, but I think I'm making some progress.

I knew I would have a weight gain because I succumbed to carb cravings last weekend. Once I gave in to them last Saturday, I was a goner for the rest of the weekend. I did manage to control the cravings during the work week, but they never really subsided.

Carb cravings were once a sign of hormonal changes for me, although I've always loved my starchy carbs. I'm well into perimenopause, though, so one might think that they'd start to fade. Yeah, right.

Last night I had to stay up late (for me) to continue saliva collection I'd been doing throughout the week. Then I had to wake-up-but-not-get-up at 2:30 a.m. for the final collection, which in my grogginess took a full half-hour. I was a wreck this morning (still am, but at least I'm marginally coherent after a nap).

I got moving earlier than usual this morning because I'd had such a lousy night's sleep after the collection, so I stopped by Target after doing the laundry and before my WW meeting. After selecting some wine glasses that were relatively inexpensive (fibromyalgia has been really hard on my glassware) and would fit in my dishwasher, I cruised the snack aisles before realizing that -- of course! -- I was there for Fritos! I'd been smelling them in my memory. I long ago gave up Fritos as an indulgence because they're too salty and have too much fat.

I snatched up the smallest bag I could find and went off to my WW meeting.

And it was there that I finally figured out part of what might be going on. After limping through the early part of the week, on Thursday I learned that I've developed arthritis in my left hip and in my spine. I probably have it in my right hip, too, but not as badly. My grandmother had arthritis. My mother had arthritis. My mother also had a weight problem, an underactive thyroid, chronic fatigue, depression, and (probably) fibromyalgia.

At today's meeting, we talked about how we indulge ourselves. It was during the discussion that it dawned on me that I was craving Fritos because they were a comfort food from my childhood. Fritos and Squirt were a favorite treat of mine. (Squirt is a citrus-y soda pop.)

I came home, weighed the Fritos I ate, then entered them into eTools instead of taking the bag to my favorite chair and dipping in while I read the Saturday paper. That's progress.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

2008-06-08T09:56:00.003-04:00

Woo hoo! Lost 3.6 pounds last week for a total of 21.2! I'm sneaking up on that 10% mark again.

I can't take all the credit, though. I increased my Ritalin dosage, which seems to make weight magically drop off. That's one side effect that does not bother me. (Oh, really?)

I did track pretty carefully all week and it does make a difference.

The WW person who weighed me (Are they called "receptionists"? Silly name) told me I'd lost 2.4 pounds. That made me pretty happy. Then I started to look at the numbers and I could tell that something wasn't right. It took me a while to figure out where the problem was (FibroFog this a.m.): her math. She's had trouble getting the weight change correct in the past. Now I know I need to check her math every time. Otherwise, she's fine.

My fibromyalgia is acting up this morning, so my brain is pretty slow despite the morning dose of Ritalin. And I ache all over, even though Ritalin has another nice side effect of reducing my achyness. Ritalin helps me to think more clearly and concentrate, but it doesn't make me any less tired. For Ritalin to be truly addictive for me (it's a Schedule II drug, which means it's addiction potential is pretty high), it would have to give me some energy. OK, OK, maybe it will when I increase the dosage again, which I'll probably have to do.

Small Victory of the Week: I saw my PCP, Allison, this week. She actually asked if I'd lost weight! She hadn't seen the weight the nurse recorded. I thanked her for noticing, then we found that I'd lost 20 pounds since I'd last seen her. It's nice to know that a 20-pound weight loss is noticeable.

Re-Dedication

2008-05-31T17:20:00.003-04:00

Up and down; up and down. After today's meeting, I'm determined to re-dedicating myself to losing weight.

There was no particular reason that I didn't write last week. I just didn't get to it and there was nothing particularly interesting to mull over. I lost .2 last week and gained .8 this week. My total loss is 17.6.

At this week's meeting I spoke up about my up-and-down. The leader, Cinde, who is not my usual leader but who I like and today preferred, asked why. I said I think it's mostly related to my health issues along with losing momentum from the Detoxx Diet. And I told the group that I attend every week because if I didn't my up-and-down would be up-and-up. I explained that I know that attending every week is important; that if this is really a lifestyle change, then going to weekly meetings is part of that new lifestyle; and that I'm always so inspired by the lifetime members who show up every week.

That led to a really interesting discussion (although I adore Karen, it's unlikely we'd have had this discussion in her group because she's more a performer -- an inspirational performer, but a performer nonetheless). Some of the members talked about how they sometimes get discouraged because they lose less than a pound each week and often it's .2 or .4 pounds, but they realize that those fractions add up. Other members, the lifetimers, talked about how hard maintenance is but how motivating it is to have to pay for a meeting when they've gone too far above their goal weight.

One member talked about how she had gotten away from tracking her Points and her weight loss had slowed. Cinde reminded us of the ABCs: All Bites Count. And it was at that moment that I realized I've got to re-dedicate myself to this "journey."

I've spent a good bit of the afternoon planning my menus for the week with eTools. I purposely did not do my weekly grocery shopping after the WW meeting so I could do the planning. And it's not just the planning. I'm also finding new meals to eat so I won't get bored. I'm also including some after-work snacks in my plans so I won't sit down with a bag of Goldfish and eat an uncounted number before dinner (the fact that I eat the Goldfish "made with whole grains" doesn't let me off the Points hook!).

So Much for Core

2008-05-18T09:03:00.003-04:00

Gained 3.4 pounds last week. I was not surprised. I had a tough week and succumbed to reward-eating.

I was aware of what was going on and also realized that I was using the Core plan to rationalize my munching. No Point counting? OK! I can eat what I want and as much as I want.

So it's back to counting Points. I like the idea of Core, but I doubt I'll ever be able to succeed with it. For one thing, I don't like the idea of eating non-fat dairy and sugar-free or no-sugar-added (read: artificial sweeteners) "sweets."

I've worked hard over the years to learn to eat healthfully. I'm an inveterate label reader. Trying to follow the Core plan reacquainted me with ingredients lists that were longer than my attention span.

So it's back to Flex. It means that I get to eat only minuscule amounts of full-fat cottage cheese, but at it least it will taste like . . . cottage cheese!

It Wasn't The Core

2008-05-10T17:20:00.003-04:00

I mostly stuck to the Core Plan this past week. And I'm working toward doing better at it.

So, why did I lose 2.6 pounds this week, for a total of 21.6?

Ritalin. Yep, I chalk it up to Speed.

A consequence of all the chronic ailments I've acquired is a shortened attention span -- a drastically shortened attention span.

When I saw Dr. Sean this week I told him that I must do something about my inability to concentrate at work. After talking it over he wrote me a prescription for a very small dose of Ritalin, not because he didn't want me to get hooked but because I'm so sensitive to Ritalin-like drugs and supplements.

The first couple of days, I did speed. Now I've come down and I'm experiencing something more like normal energy (although I still pay and pay and pay when I overdo it) -- and I actually have some concentration.

What's not to like? I've lost some weight. I can think more clearly and focus for more than a nanosecond at a time. And, the truly surprising side effect: I'm less achy! I had no idea it might actually improve my fibromyalgia.

Core

2008-05-03T12:06:00.004-04:00

I gained 1.6 pounds this week (-19.0 total). Grrrrrrr.

Actually, I thought I might gain more because I fell off the peasant-bread wagon on Wednesday, then participated with gusto in an office potluck lunch and had dinner out on Friday (yesterday, the day before weigh-in, enjoying every single Point of the lemon meringue pie I had at lunch and the vegetable bread pudding I had at dinner . . . ).

So, much as I don't really want to, I'm going to give Core a go for a week, maybe longer if I get into the swing of things.

Sigh

2008-04-26T18:02:00.002-04:00

I really thought I'd lost weight this week. In fact, I was thinking about a really snappy title for this post on my way to Weight Watchers.

Alas, it was not to be. I gained .2 pounds. I know that's within statistical margin of error, but I thought I'd lost not stayed the same.

Still, I know that eventually I'll get the weight off. And my leader was so good with me when I expressed my disappointment with gaining weight (her suggestion was to reward myself with some non-food item, like flowers; I didn't need the reward but it was nice to accept her concern).

On a positive note, my fibromyalgia might be letting up some. Not that it's gone by any means. One thing I've learned from trolling the internet is that now that I've got it I can expect only that it will be better or worse. Controlling it is the challenge.

Onward into the next week!

Eight weeks later . . .

2008-04-19T13:26:00.002-04:00

It was eight weeks ago that I reached the 20-pound mark of weight loss. And then I hit that plateau caused primarily by the Detoxx Diet and gained a little, lost a little, and so forth. This week I lost 1.6 pounds for a total loss of 20.8 pounds. Yes! Back to -- and over -- the 20-pound mark!

I feel like I'm getting back into the swing of things.

Again this week I tracked Points faithfully and went over my weekly allowance by a lot. I also got almost no exercise. But tracking and anticipating my weigh-in and meeting really do make me more aware of what I'm eating.

This week's success was . . . well, I'm not sure it's really a success, so I guess I need to frame it as a challenge: This week's challenge was to stay at work all week. After two days of training at a computer center that left me achy and exhausted and an evening event that had me on my feet for most of two hours, I thought I'd have trouble staying in the office to work for the rest of the week. But I did stay in the office despite a monumental struggle to do so.

Oh, I do have a success to report: Despite aching all over and feeling desperately tired, I resisted the urge to park as close as possible to places. I got in some walking -- slow walking but walking all the same -- that way.

Over the Limit

2008-04-12T13:00:00.007-04:00

I went way over my weekly points total this week but lost 1.2 pounds anyway. Should I conclude that tracking alone makes a person lose weight? ;-)

OK, OK, I know it will catch up with me sooner rather than later.

I treated myself to some artisan French peasant bread with a lovely tangy taste. I calculated the points per serving and duly entered it into the eTools Points Tracker. In the past I'd have been tempted to not count those points, but I've resolved to be honest with eTools.

The challenge this week was to not comfort myself with food after I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia on Tuesday. It explains why I ache all over and, for example, just climbing the stairs to my office wipes me out. The way to increase my exercise tolerance is to start with a five-minute walk and increase it by 15 seconds a day. Fortunately, Zaphod is a clever guy and realized that my treadmill is just the thing for this kind of regimen. I haven't used the treadmill for a long time, so it's tucked away in a corner with lots of stuff protecting it from use. This means I have to find the energy to dig it out. Expending that energy will, oh yes, exhaust me for a day or two. Any questions about why it was a challenge not to turn to food for comfort?

By the way, the French peasant bread has 2 points per 56-gram serving (about a half-inch slice).

Yep, It Works

2008-04-05T18:24:00.002-04:00

Lost one pound, for a total of 18. Deja vu? I'm still 4 pounds from the 10% key chain.

I used eTools to track my food and some of my activity this week. I went well over my allotment of points every day, but tracking does make a difference. This isn't news to me. What's news is that using eTools to do the tracking made me more aware of what and how much I was eating.

This week's successes: I walked my dogs for at least 20 minutes six days. My fatigue is not any less. I was up late last night so I can't really tell if it's worse. Still, it probably contributed to my one-pound loss.

This week's, um, lapses (I don't want to call them failures): I ate some Laughing Cow cheese that I hadn't planned to eat (only 3 points' worth) and last night I had some yummy tiramisu that I just couldn't resist. The Laughing Cow I probably could have done without, but I thoroughly enjoyed the tiramisu, so I don't regret it.

I see Dr. Sean on Tuesday. I doubt that he'll have a diet solution to my chronic fatigue . . . at least I hope so!

eTools to the Rescue?

2008-03-30T14:11:00.002-04:00

It's time for me to get serious about tracking. Before the debacle of the Detoxx Diet, I was doing OK without strict tracking. I detest tracking, courtesy of the calorie counting I've done in years past.

Then the Detoxx Diet put me in a holding pattern for two months. After I killed the Detoxx Diet, I went on a carbohydrate spree for a week, followed by a week's visit to my family. When I visit my family, I stay with my dad and we go out to breakfast every morning. We also go out to lunch and dinner a few times. And snack at home.

I weighed in the day after I arrived and had lost 0.8 pounds. Respectable, considering the carb-fest I'd had that week.

My trip to Michigan coincided with a snowstorm, which led to multiple canceled flights. It was nearly 3:00 a.m. when I got to Dad's house and nearly 4:00 a.m. when he and I had wound down enough to go to bed. The long day of travel set off four days of fatigue that made it hard for me to exercise good eating habits. I knew what I was doing but I decided not to beat myself up for it. And then I had more delays on my way home.

I was not surprised on Saturday when the scales showed an increase of 1.8 pounds.

So now I have to get serious about tracking because I know I'm not going to moderate what I eat otherwise. The Detoxx Diet debacle disrupted my progress so thoroughly that despite the fact that I've lost 17 pounds, I still feel like I'm starting from the beginning.

That's where eTools comes in. I've pledged (to myself) that I'll track my eating honestly for this week and see how I do at weigh-in on Saturday. Entering my weekday breakfasts and lunches was an eye-opening experience because it made me realize just how far over my daily points limit I've been going. I've modified the blue-cheese salad dressing I've been eating to cost me fewer points at lunch and I've cut back elsewhere -- I'm still going to go over my weekly limit but I need to see how hungry I am and whether I lose any weight.

I knew what I was doing when I signed up for a full year last October.

A Meeting Is a Meeting

2008-03-30T13:54:00.006-04:00

Last Saturday I was visiting family in Michigan, so I didn't post. I did, however, attend a Weight Watchers' meeting. It was fascinating to attend a meeting in a different location. My local meeting is in a building built just for WW, with semi-private cubicles for weighing and a room with tiered seating and a large white board at the front for meetings. It's a lovely location.

The meeting I attended in Michigan was in a storefront on the town's main street. Weighing wasn't private but the staff was very discreet (as they are at my home location). The meeting room had folding chairs and a schoolroom or church-basement feel. There was instant coffee or hot chocolate for the honor-system donation of a quarter (with the Points noted for the hot chocolate). The turnout was good. I was surprised that the Monthly Pass payment option wasn't available.

The differences, though, were superficial. I found the same WW values in Michigan that I experience in Maine: welcoming, non-judgmental, friendly, supportive. I struck up a conversation with some of the women at the Michigan meeting as easily as I do in Maine. The sharing, applause, and discussion were interchangeable. The group leader was experienced and, although not as funny or motivational as my favorite leader, she was as good as other leaders in Maine.

It was a fascinating, interesting experience. I highly recommend it!

Huh?

2008-03-15T10:59:00.002-04:00

I killed the Detoxx Diet on Monday and gained 1.6 pounds this week? Huh? My total loss is now at 18 pounds. The plateau continues.

My theory is that the abrupt change in my diet from Detoxx to Healthy is what caused my weight gain.

In other news, I've decided to pony up for Weight Watchers' eTools so I can get better at tracking. I signed up for a year in October and thought the $12.95 a month wasn't worth it. And in the beginning it wasn't because I lost weight slowly and steadily. Then the Detoxx Diet and PK Protocol came over the horizon and I concentrated fully on not gaining. Now that I'm back on WW Flex (it will always be Points to me) I need to get some religion about tracking.

Sure, I could track on paper, but I've been hearing terrific things about eTools at the meetings. The tipping point came today when a woman said eTools made it so easy for her to track, even at work. Eureka! I live at a computer all day, including lunch, so tracking for the day while I'm munching my lunch salad makes a lot of sense.

I'm starting to feel like a Weight Watchers' true believer. If it works, though, how can I complain? It's not like I'll start selling flowers in airports!

Death of the Detoxx Diet

2008-03-10T18:11:00.002-04:00

The Detoxx Diet died today. No, wait, I killed it.

I see Dr. Sean tomorrow and we'll have to explore what else he has in his bag of tricks because I've had it with the Detoxx Diet.

Let me refresh your memory: no grains, lots and lots of fat and protein, no sugar, no peanuts or cashews, no canola oil, no hard or moldy cheeses, no mustard or ketchup or commercial mayonnaise, no fruit, no starchy veggies, no corn. I was also supposed to eat only organic foods, fresh herbs & spices, and "pure" water.

I managed to stay on the diet for two months. At the end of the first month I was so fatigued I couldn't work a full day in the office. After seeing Dr. Sean I agreed to try the diet for another month and add supplements & oils that are part of the PK Protocol.

My craving for grains never subsided. I haven't missed sugar, which was a good thing to learn. I was always hungry.

The fatigue has never really let up completely, but it returned with a vengeance last Friday. I was going to tough it out until tomorrow but a take-out lunch with co-workers finally made me give it up completely. I had a yummy roast beef & boursin cheese wrap with reduced-fat potato chips for lunch. Lo and behold, I actually managed to stay at the office all day. And I wasn't hungry afterwards. Placebo effect? Possibly. Do I care? No.

Another Name for This Is "Plateau"

2008-03-08T15:27:00.002-05:00

Lost .8 pounds this week, for a total of -19.6. I've been flirting with -20 for weeks now but I'm not discouraged because a) I'm still fighting fatigue and b) I'm still on the Detoxx Diet.

And speaking of the Detoxx Diet, I see Dr. Sean on Tuesday. Before this week I thought I might be improving slightly, but with this latest bout of fatigue, which started yesterday, I'm seriously questioning whether this is going to help me. I've been on the diet for two months and I'm still hungry all the time, still crave grains and starchy veggies, and feel worse than when I started it.

The argument can be made that I have lots of detoxing to do, but it feels more like something is out of balance in my system.

Not as Bad as I Expected

2008-03-01T17:18:00.004-05:00

My bathroom scales leaped up this week -- a lot. I expected to gain three to five pounds at my weigh-in this morning. You can imagine my relief when the increase was only 1.2 pounds (for a total 18.8 pound loss).

For two weeks I was so fatigued I couldn't work a full day in the office; I lost 2.4 pounds. Monday the fatigue let up and I worked a full work week in the office and even felt like I might be improving; I gained 1.2 pounds.

So goes the weight-loss game.

Oh, right. It's not a game. It's not a struggle.

So goes the weight-loss journey.

Weigh In

2008-02-24T14:23:00.001-05:00

Lost .2 pounds last week. Better than I expected given that I spent most of the week in my recliner with extreme fatigue. And today I feel worse than ever. I'm supposed to start feeling better when?

Hold the toast?

2008-02-17T12:05:00.002-05:00

I went out to breakfast this morning, something I enjoy -- well, used to enjoy before food became fuel.

I nearly ordered a vegetable omelette with cheese. Horrors! I'm not allowed to eat processed cheese or most sliced cheeses. Whew! Caught that just in time.

Veggie omelettes need cheese. Otherwise, they're just eggs folded over barely cooked vegetables. Cheese holds it all together and makes it an omelette. I looked wistfully at the ketchup, but I'm not allowed to eat that either (it's the sugar).

To make up for the lack of cheese, I ordered a side of link sausage. Now I'm uncertain about whether I'm allowed to eat it. As long as there were no nitrates or nitrates in it, it should have been okay.

Then there was the challenge of the toast. As a good Weight Watchers member I thought about the toast ahead of time and decided I was going to allow myself to have some. So I ordered my omelette with whole-wheat toast. When my meal arrived I realized that I wouldn't be able to put any orange marmalade on it. Sigh. I ate half a slice, so I didn't fall too far off the wagon.

Fortunately, the conversation was way better than my dietary restrictions and I had a fine time.

Yowza!

2008-02-16T15:41:00.004-05:00

I lost 2 pounds! I'm down a total of 19.8 pounds. I'm delighted, of course, but surprised because I expected to stay the same or maybe lose just a little bit.

In the past week I've had almost no exercise, except for bringing in wood for the woodstove and s l o w l y climbing the stairs at work as infrequently as possible.

The Atkins effect may be at work here (ketosis -- it's not a good thing) and if it is, I'm not happy about it.

Or maybe it's that I'm eating just for fuel. In the long run that may be a good thing. In the short run, though, I'm grieving for the time when I enjoyed meals.

Today in the bakery department I looked around and thought, "What if this diet works? What if it's what my body needs now? Will I never again be able to enjoy some crusty bread or take delight in baking?" I picked up the package of Kaiser rolls I had come to retrieve for Zaphod's sandwiches and turned toward the deli. No point in dwelling on the possibility of living with this diet forever because I'm not feeling better . . . yet.

Aw, Gee-eee

2008-02-12T17:08:00.000-05:00

So I saw Dr. Sean today. No wait, I dragged my sorry butt in to see Dr. Sean today. Afterwards, I dragged my sorry butt home because I was too weak to work at the office.

Dr. Sean thinks my extreme fatigue is a "detox reaction." I'm intimately familiar with detox reactions because I have Lyme disease (I may always have Lyme disease, but that's a whole blog in itself and I'll let someone else tackle that one). The full name for a detox reaction is Jarisch-Herxheimer reaction, first noted by two dermatologists named Jarisch & Herxheimer (natch) when they saw how sick syphilis patients got when the antibiotics took hold. Dermatologists?

I presented my hypothesis that no, I wasn't "herxing" (as it's called by us Lymies) but instead I need grains. We sparred for a while -- no, that's not really fair to Dr. Sean; he's an agreeable young man (aarrggghhh! my doctor is a young man). We discussed the possibility for a while then turned to the results of the extensive blood tests I had in January.

OK, OK, so I caved. Well no, that's not exactly right, either. I've invested a lot in this protocol -- and I am talking dollars. I'm not the least bit invested in the diet or all the pills and oils I have to consume. The supplements, blood tests, doctor's visits, and groceries are significant costs. Oh, OK, the groceries aren't that bad.

I told the good doctor that I would commit to the protocol (which includes the Detoxx Diet) for another month. I'd melt my credit card and buy all the supplements I need to embrace the protocol completely. If I don't feel better after all of this, we'll move on to something else.

In the meantime, my weight loss may go on hold. Recall that the Detoxx Diet is a high-fat diet. I doubt that I can down all the fats I need to ingest and lose weight. If I start to feel better, though, I'll be able to get some exercise. My goal, then, is to maintain for the next month.

I'll continue to attend Weight Watchers meetings because I know that regardless of how the Detoxx Diet works for me, I'll never again have a metabolism that regulates my eating (ah, someday I'll wax nostalgic about my metabolic golden age, when my thyroid functioned to give me energy). I believe I'm always going to need the support those weekly meetings provide.

Is it an addiction if I need it?

2008-02-11T18:21:00.000-05:00

I'm still thinking about carb cravings, so I've done some online research.

I love that the American Heart Association handles this so delicately:

Some experts think that people who crave carbohydrates have low serotonin levels. Others caution that these cravings may just be a learned response.

There's even a diet for us "addicts."

Since I've been on the Detoxx Diet I haven't craved sweets . . . well, except when I walked by the candy aisle and inhaled chocolate fumes. And I've been eating lots of veggies (no fruits -- not allowed) so I've been getting the benefits of all those lovely complex carbs.

Why am I still craving grains? And why am I so fatigued that I can't work a full day at work? I have to come home and finish up my day from my recliner (I make my living as a computer geek, so I can compute from my recliner).

And then there's the notion that craving something means it's bad for you. Umm, couldn't mean that you need it?

Maybe the Carb Queen Knows Best

2008-02-10T11:55:00.000-05:00

Zaphod commented on my fatigue yesterday. Poor guy; I misunderstood his comment and bit his head off before realizing he was expressing genuine concern. (This gives you -- and me, too -- some idea of how sensitive I am about my bouts of fatigue.) Once I'd apologized we continued our discussion of my fatigue.

And it hit me that maybe the Detoxx Diet really is at fault for my fatigue. I have depression that I treat with sertraline (generic Zoloft) and it's mostly under control. The fatigue I've had in the past week to ten days feels like depression fatigue, not chronic fatigue. (Oh yes, I've been fatigued long enough and in enough varieties that I can tell the difference.)

Could it be that when I eat the way I want I'm feeding my brain what it needs? Well, yeah! And could it also be that by following the Detoxx Diet I've been depleting my brain of the raw materials it needs to turn on the energy makers? You think?

There's this conventional wisdom that people, especially women, who prefer starchy carbs like bread and pasta and potatoes are trying to lift their moods with food -- and that if they'd just get more exercise and eat more fruits and vegetables they wouldn't need or crave those "bad" carbs.

I'm starting to think the conventional wisdom is nonsense. At least for me.

This is the second time I've cut back on starchy carbs in my diet. Last summer I went on a gluten-free diet to see if my fatigue improved. I ate that way for six weeks. My fatigue did not improve and I never once stopped craving the carbs I gave up. I hated the gluten-free diet, but if it had worked I was prepared to make it a way of life.

I feel the same way about the Detoxx Diet. I hate it but if I started to feel better, I'd figure out how to live with it. I briefly flirted with the idea that the fatigue and general feeling of malaise told me the Detoxx Diet was working and I was just suffering the side effects of ridding my body of toxins. Now I think the reverse is true: the diet is causing the fatigue and malaise.

Oh, Dr. Sean and I are going to have an interesting conversation on Tuesday!

Not Bad for a Limp Washrag

2008-02-09T12:08:00.000-05:00

I gained .2 pounds last week. That's the bad news.

The good news is that I haven't gained back the 3 pounds I lost two weeks ago and that I gained only .2 pounds after another week of fatigue along with dinner out on two nights.

I told my group leader, Karen, that I was going to "live my life eating the foods I love in the amounts I need without guilt." She corrected me and said, "No, it's without apology because you can still have guilt over overeating."

Hmmmm. I know that her saying is "without apology." Since "without guilt" popped out of my mouth unbidden, it may be that "without guilt" is more pertinent to me. I've never had to apologize for eating but I've certainly felt plenty guilty about it often enough.

Karen's family gave her grief about not eating the way they did when she started Weight Watchers. Mine never gave me grief about my eating. Instead, I beat myself up with guilt over not being thin. As Karen says, "We're not puh-fect" (I love her accent).

I see Dr. Sean on Tuesday. I have been faithful to the Detoxx Diet since I last saw him. I still hate it. And I can't help but suspect that these recent bouts of fatigue are caused by it. I have no idea how he'll respond to that assertion.

Dietgirl Says It Better

2008-02-03T13:53:00.001-05:00

After my whining yesterday about the Detoxx Diet, I've found solace in this rant from Dietgirl's archive.

It Could Have Been Worse

2008-02-02T17:14:00.000-05:00

I gained .6 pounds this week. It was a tough week and I could have easily gained more. Zaphod, bless his heart, said, "That's not bad because you lost 3 pounds last week."

It was a tough week for two reasons: I had fatigue that kept me home from work for two days and the Detoxx Diet.

When I work at work (instead of at home, as I do when I have a bout of fatigue), I get more exercise because my office is on the second floor. The coffee maker, the bathroom, and most of the staff are on the first floor, so I'm up and down the stairs multiple times a day. When I work at home I spend all day in my recliner and get up only to get something to eat or to go to the bathroom, activities that I can accomplish by expending almost no energy.

I have continued to adhere to the Detoxx Diet (except for the french fries at dinner last Saturday after a movie). And I was hungry all week. So I didn't limit my portions of beef or pork or chicken and I'm sure I ate over my Points allowance every day. The solution, of course, is to track my Points and measure every blessed bite of food. Grrrr.

Today's Weight Watchers meeting was about how to handle Super Bowl parties, although not many of the people at the meeting were going to a Super Bowl party, so the leader broadened the discussion to functions in general. As part of the discussion we talked about how this is a "lifestyle change" and not a diet. Not eating foods one enjoys is bound to lead to failure.

I accept that but how do I square that with the Detoxx Diet? I can't. I hate the Detoxx Diet. I'd be a vegetarian if I could but for two things: 1) Zaphod isn't a vegetarian and 2) the Detoxx Diet.

Zaphod is a meat-and-potatoes type of eater, which makes preparing vegetarian meals a challenge. I know this from experience because I tried hard to eat vegetarian for a long time before the Detoxx Diet came along.

The Detoxx Diet put an end to my vegetarianism. There is a vegetarian version of the diet, but it's even harder to follow than the carnivore version.

I see my Detoxx doctor in two weeks. At that point I'll have followed the diet closely for a month. And then he and I will discuss it.

Carb Queen

2008-01-31T17:32:00.000-05:00

I keep changing the name of my blog.

First it was "This Time I'll Get It Right," which referred to my desire to get the weight off and keep it off once and for all. Someday I might blog about the trials and tribulations of keeping my weight off; it's not a unique story, so I'm not eager to post it.

Then I changed my blog's name to "Fat Is Not A Character Flaw (Oh, Yeah?)," which came from something I once said to Zaphod. The "Oh, Yeah?" was my weak attempt at irony. After that I dropped the "Oh, Yeah?" because it seemed a little too precious and shortened the name to "Fat Is Not A Character Flaw." I still think that's a good name for a blog, but it might not be the best name for my blog.

Now my blog is called "Carb Queen."

It's "Carb Queen" because I'm really, really missing grains. I have long referred to myself as a carb queen. Various doctors have taken it as a symptom of my (pick one) depression, toxicity, or weakness.

I suppose a more accurate title for myself would be "Starch Queen" because I love grains and starchy veggies, like potatoes & sweet potatoes.

The Detoxx Diet is why I'm suffering without my starches. Is it working? Too soon to tell.

Yo, Dietgirl!

2008-01-27T18:27:00.000-05:00

I've just got to send a Shout Out to Dietgirl.

She is so inspirational! I've been slowly reading all of her blog entries. She says so many things so much better than I do.

I wish her all the best and that lots and lots of people buy her book.

Woo Hoo!

2008-01-26T13:50:00.000-05:00

I lost 3 pounds this week! That brings my total weight loss to 18.4 pounds.

Having stuck closely to the Detoxx Diet this week without counting points and only minimal tracking, I'm not quite sure how I lost that much weight. I have some ideas, though.

Despite eating full-fat dairy and lots of meat, I didn't overeat because I didn't snack on the foods I enjoy and sometimes eat mindlessly. I'm not a snacker but I do like crackers and other grain-based snacks. No grains, no snacks.

And the Weight Watchers' message is starting to become part of my psyche: Stop-rest-assess and Think First and my leader's favorite: I live my life eating the foods I love in the amounts I need without guilt.

The "foods I love" part is a problem for me because I'm not eating the breads, crackers, rice, pasta, and other grains that I love. Grains might come back into my diet someday, but only after I've given the Detoxx Diet a fair tryout.

I can be faithful to the maxim, however, because I love dairy products. Which means I still have to pay close attention to this part: "in the amounts I need"!

Paradigm Shift

2008-01-21T08:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my first day of strict (sort of) adherence to the Detoxx Diet. I said strict (sort of) because I had two slices of Ezekiel sprouted bread and only one is allowed. I also sprinkled bread crumbs on top of the spaghetti squash casserole.

Low-fat, vegetarian eating is second nature to me. This high-fat, meat-centric eating is hard work. I shopped for groceries for 90 minutes yesterday and was exhausted afterwards. I've calculated the points for some of the foods I'm eating, but in most cases I just don't want to know. Denial is not going to make it any easier to lose weight, I know, but until I can get past my craving for grains I don't really want to know how high the points are.

As a result of not counting the points, I've become more conscious of portion control. And I'm asking myself more often whether I'm actually hungry. Weight Watchers has many maxims/mantras/aphorisms that are repeated almost every meeting (well, I suppose it depends on the leader) and eventually they start to sink in. The one that's helping me adjust to the Detoxx Diet is "stop, rest, and assess." My adaptation of this is to serve myself a reasonable amount of food, enjoy it fully as I eat it, then let my brain catch up to my stomach before I decide whether I want more.

A new koan to ponder: What is the sound of a paradigm shift? Or should that be: What is the taste of a paradigm shift?

Whew!

2008-01-19T16:10:00.000-05:00

I gained .2 pounds this week. Whew!

Saw Dr. Sean, my alternative doctor, this past week. We discussed the Detoxx Diet at length and I'm going to try very hard to adhere strictly to it. And take all the supplements. He even talked me into eating full-fat dairy.

I spent a lot of time this afternoon on RecipeZaar, my favorite recipe site. I've started to put together a list of recipes that meet the requirements of the diet. You can see my list here: Detoxx Diet Recipes.

RecipeZaar has lots of cool features. The one I used today was the shopping list. I'll take it with me to the grocery store tomorrow to buy what I need for the week ahead.

Trepidation

2008-01-16T17:28:00.001-05:00

I was doing so well with mindful eating last week. This week, well, I've given in some to the munchies. And I've eaten larger meals than usual because I've spent so much time at home. So, I'm just going on record that I'm facing my next weigh in with trepidation . . . .

Taking the Food Out of Comfort Food

2008-01-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

I had my weigh-in today instead of tomorrow morning. I lost 1.8 pounds this week for a total of 15.6.

Why did I go to Weight Watchers today instead of tomorrow? Two interrelated reasons. First, as I noted on Tuesday, I had surgery to release the ulnar nerve in my right elbow (cubital tunnel syndrome -- like carpal tunnel but in the elbow) and I'm not permitted to drive until I see the doctor next week. Second, Zaphod is my driver this week and the Saturday morning meeting I usually attend is too early for him.

So off we went to a Friday noon meeting. Zaphod dropped me at the WW Center and drove off to find Big Al's Discount store. I went in to be weighed after even less activity than usual.

I wasn't surprised that I had lost weight because I weigh myself every morning. What's surprising to me is how easy it has been to avoid comfort-food snacking during my convalescence. I'm overly experienced in outpatient surgery and the week's convalescence at home afterwards. And each time I've rewarded myself with some (some?) comfort food.

My work has kept me pretty busy this week with year-end reporting, but I have been eating mindfully so that when I did indulge in some comfort food (the current fav being Pepperidge Farm Goldfish -- the whole-grain version, of course), I did so mindfully.

That and knowing that I wanted to report to the WW group that I had succeeded in my quest to lose weight during convalescence.

Elbow Excuse?

2008-01-08T19:56:00.000-05:00

So I had surgery on my elbow yesterday and I'm working from home for a while. The challenge is to not reward myself for making it through the surgery by allowing myself to eat comforting goodies. Stay tuned . . .

Pad Thai - The New Miracle Diet Food?

2008-01-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

Just how did I manage to pull off a one-pound weight loss this week?

First, there was our third Christmas celebration on Sunday, where I indulged in a few too many roast beef horseradish swirls.

Next was New Year's Day when the problem was not so much that I overate but that I sat in my recliner all day working on my laptop because the only way to implement changes for the first of the year when the last day of the year is a work day is to do it on New Year's Day.

Then there was my fourth Christmas celebration at a Thai restaurant where I ate crispy pad thai and crab rangoon and thought I might pop if I ate anything more (violating a whole bunch of Weight Watchers' precepts).

Add to all of this the bitterly cold weather we had this week (it was a cause for celebration when the temperature made it into double digits) that made me shorten my already fairly short dog walks and I was feeling certain that the best I could do on the scale was to see no change.

When I said to Frank as he recorded my weight, "I lost? Really?" I must have said it with enough disbelief that he felt I needed a reminder, "Well, that's the whole point."

I can only conclude that pad thai is the new miracle diet food. That, or I'll see it on the scale next week.

A Loss Is a Loss

2007-12-29T17:17:00.000-05:00

I ate too much on Christmas Day. I was careful about what I ate the rest of the week. I went out to dinner last night with friends (small green salad, winter vegetable stew, no dessert). I figured the best I'd do would be to not gain.

Instead, I lost - .6 of a pound. Nothing like a weekly weigh-in to motivate a person!

Portion Control? Where?

2007-12-26T10:21:00.001-05:00

Actually, I did pay attention to what I ate yesterday. But I still ate too much. I enjoyed all that I ate. I enjoyed the company I ate it with. And I'm back on the portion-control wagon today.

Pre-Christmas Weigh In

2007-12-22T17:33:00.000-05:00

I lost 2.6 pounds this past week for a total loss of 12.2. I'm surprised that I lost that much weight. I thought I'd lost the weight I gained last week and a little bit more.

I'm not sure why I lost 2.6 pounds, although I'm willing to hazard some guesses. It snowed multiple times in the past week so I had to do some shoveling multiple times in the past week. And I stopped eating a piece of fruit at lunch. Hard to believe that those 100-150 calories at lunch could make that much difference, though.

The fact is that I'm trying to be more mindful of what and how much I eat. Some weeks I gain; some weeks I lose. As long as I'm "trending" downward, it doesn't really matter why I lose from one week to the next!

Zzzzzzz

2007-12-20T20:06:00.000-05:00

Nothing new to report. Just wanted my "public" (LOL) to know I haven't given up on my blog. I'm doing my best to a) adhere to Weight Watchers' principles and b) eat less and c) adhere to Detoxx principles.

First Lunch

2007-12-17T18:02:00.000-05:00

Oh, not really my first lunch ever. My first brown-bag lunch at work without a piece of fruit. It went OK. I had my usual Gardenburger sandwich (in a Weight Watchers pita). And I had a salad with grape tomatoes, feta cheese, and Newman's Light Sun-Dried Tomato dressing. The feta cheese is the new thing. It's reduced-fat feta cheese but I normally wouldn't have it on a salad at lunch.

I've been thinking more about the Detoxx diet and it's requirement of full-fat dairy. Since I decided to ease into the diet, moving to full-fat dairy seems more possible. It helps that my friend BlueSky told me that she eats full-fat everything because she doesn't trust the reduced-fat versions. Add to that an article I read in Newsweek about fertility that reported that women who eat full-fat dairy are more fertile and the reason is that removing the fat also removes hormones. No, I'm not trying to get pregnant (ahem, a surgeon made that impossible in 1994), but the idea is thought-provoking.

Plus .6? Hardly Worth Noting!

2007-12-15T13:19:00.000-05:00

At today's weigh-in I gained .6 pounds, making my total weight lost 9.8 pounds. I actually thought I'd lose a bit of weight this week, so maybe I'm just feeling a bit leaner. Six-tenths of a pound is a minor gain.

I've been thinking about the Detoxx diet and how I'm going to make it work for me. I'm going to start easing into it next week. I didn't buy any fruit to take for lunch next week. I don't know what I'll eat in its place but I've decided to eat as little sugar as possible.

Another decision I made about the Detoxx diet is to continue to eat grains, but to eat less of them. It's hard to beat a sandwich for brown bagging it. I've been eating Weight Watchers seedless rye, which is hardier than their whole wheat and still has only 1 point for two slices.

The Detoxx diet is a high-fat diet (something to do with getting the liver to release toxins and wash them out of the body with fat) and I've decided I just can't do that. I'll adjust the kinds of fats I eat (like not eating canola oil) but there's no way I'll reintroduce full-fat dairy, for example, into my diet.

How many Points is that?

2007-12-13T17:38:00.000-05:00

I'm going to give the Detoxx diet as fair a chance as I can. It's going to require lots of planning, which I'm not all that good at right now (Lyme disease may have had a hand in that -- menopause, too). I've got my Points calculator and my Complete Food Companion and I've started to look up stuff.

Grains are a no-no on the Detoxx diet. Makes it tough to take a sandwich to work for lunch, doesn't it?

Full-Fat Dairy? No Grains? No Weigh!?!

2007-12-12T20:05:00.000-05:00

I'm seeing a new doctor for my Lyme disease and assorted related ailments. My old doctor left the biz to go full-time as an addiction specialist. I liked my old doctor a lot but I think it's mostly a good thing that I've found a new doctor.

Yesterday I saw my new doctor for the second time. He'd had a chance to read my chart from the old doctor. We first discussed the concerns I had. Then we discussed a suggestion he had: Go on the Detoxx Protocol. Yeah, that's right, detoxx with two Xs. The protocol is a diet, supplements, liver cleanse, and maybe some other stuff.

Today I read the diet closely. It's the Atkins Diet with some modifications. Hmmmmmm. Can I really go against my years and years of low-fat, whole-grain, high-carb eating? And what would I be able to eat within my Weight Watchers Points allowance?

I haven't rejected it outright, but I doubt I'll adopt it without changes.

Who Needs to Know?

2007-12-11T14:54:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty good at wearing my "anchor" bracelet every day. Today one of my co-workers asked me about it. Because it's copper, another co-worker wanted to know why I was wearing it. I'm not ready for the world at large (99% of blogs are never read by anyone but the blogger) to know that I'm going to Weight Watchers, so I wasn't prepared for this; I figured most people would just think it's a bracelet.

I finally said that it is an anchor but I was not wearing it for its medicinal properties. These are good folks, whose curiosity was sincere, so once they realized that I was uncomfortable talking about it, they let it go.

When will I tell other than a select few that I'm going to Weight Watchers? When they ask, "Have you lost weight?"