Wedding Bell Blues

Yesterday after my WW's meeting I decided to go shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding in two weeks. I haven't been to a wedding in ages, so I don't already own something suitable that fits. As I watched in horror while the weight piled on after I got sick, I vowed not to buy new clothes unless I absolutely had to. I shopped at Goodwill and the Salvation Army for quite a while until the selection got really weak; I have no idea why it changed. I was punishing myself for having gained weight and I was fully aware of it. As people who know me will tell you, I adopted, and still wear, a uniform of polo shirts & khakis in the summer and turtlenecks & jeans in the winter.

Since joining WW I've been trying to cut myself some slack. I've never enjoyed shopping so it took a lot of rehearsal to prepare myself to shop for a dress. I worked my way through the mall to Lane Bryant, which has great bras but has been a disappointment otherwise. Yesterday's visit was especially disappointing because all the clothes were so dark. It was depressing. I wasn't shopping for a bra, so I left empty-handed.

At JC Penney I found a skirt and blouse, both on sale, that will be OK for the wedding. I knew I was pushing my luck by wanting to buy a summer dress in late July. I don't need to go on that particular rant because I'm hardly the first woman to complain about not being able to buy summer clothes during the summer.

There isn't a lot of good news in this post because I didn't enjoy myself at all. I detested looking at myself in the mirror. I detested having to try on women's sizes. I detested seeing something I liked and not being able to find it in anything close to a size that would fit me.

When I interviewed in July of 1998 at the place I still work, I wore a skirt and and blouse that I really liked. It made me feel good and I knew it showed how tall and slender I was. Two years later, I was diagnosed with the first of the many illnesses that have slowed me down and piled on the pounds I'm now fighting to take off. I'm not as tall now and, obviously, far from slender, but I still have that skirt and blouse and fully intend to wear them comfortably again some day.